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'a pair of sixes 



A Farce in Three Acts 






BY 



EDWARD PEPLE 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

A Farce in Three Acts 



BY 

EDWARD PEPLE 



Copyright, 1912, under the title ''The Party of the Second 
Part," by Edward Peple 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



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20. mars \9\\ 

Perepechatka wospreschaetsa Rossiysky Zakon ob av- 
torskom prave ot 20hs Marta 1911 g. 



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CHARACTERS 



T. BoGGS Johns 1 Business Partners 

George B. Nettleton J 

Krome Their Bookkeeper 

Miss Sally Parker Their Stenographer 

Thomas J. Vanderholt Their Lawyer 

Tony Toler Their Advertising Salesman 

.Mr. Applegate Their Customer 

Jimmy Their Office Boy 

Mrs. Nettleton The Wife 

Miss Florence Cole The Sweetheart 

Coddles An English Maid-of-all-work 

Time of Action — The Present 

ACT I — Offices of the Eurega Digestive Pill 
Co — in New York. 

ACT II — Home of Nettleton, two weeks later. 

ACT III — Same as Act 2, one week later. 



A PAIR OF SIXES 



ACT I 

Scene : Office of the Eureka Digestive Pill Company — 
Nezv York. At right rear is maim, entrance to office. At left 
rear is entrance from and into salesroom. R and L, down 
front, a/re entrances into offices of Nettleton and Johns, that 
at Right, being lettered "George B. Nettleton, Private" ; that 
at L, "T. Boggs Johns, Private." Typezvriter's desk at R, a 
little upstage. At L is a standing desk and high stool. Phone 
on desk. Over desk is a small Cashiers' zmndozv connecting 
zuith the salesroom. Safe in corner. Large letter file at rear. 
Other office furniture. At C is a six-foot table piled zvith 
violet colored pill boxes and literature. Big poster on rear 
zi'all advertising the Eureka pill. 

Discovered: Sally Parker, the stenographer, seated at 
desk zvriting rapidly. Krome, the bookkeeper, on stool, 
zvorking over his hooks. Jimmy, the office hoy, enters, 
right rear zvith a package of letters. He carries part of 
them to Nettleton s office, part to Johns' office and the bal- 
ance on Krome's desk. 

Jimmy — Letter for you, Miss Parker ! 

Sally — Here Jimmy! (Handing a telegraph form) Ring 
for a messenger and get this off — right away. 

Krome (as Jimmy starts toward Sally) — And ask the 
shipping clerk about this order. It's over a week behind 
and the customer's kicking like a mule. 

Sally — Here Jimmy! 

Jimmy (taking papers from Krome, Xing to Sally) — Aw, 
how many t'ings does yer want me to be doin' at de same 
time? I ain't no orty-mo-bile truck! (Jerks telegram out 
of Sally's hand.) 

Sally — No ; you're a noisy little runabout that needs more 
spanking than you do cranking! (Writes on machine.) 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Jimmy (smiling at her) — Say! If you was my wife, you 
know what I would do? 

Sally— What? 

Jimmy (sentimentally) — I'd take yer ona weddin' trip — 
to de very end of de world ! 

Sally — Oh, that would be nice. 

Jimmy — An' den I'd drop you off. 

(As Sally makes a movement toward him, half amused, 
half angry, Jimmy retreats.) 

Krome — Get out of here. 

(Jimmy exits right rear. Mrs. Nettleton enters left rear.) 

(Krome turns quickly on stool.) 

Oh ! Mrs. Nettleton ! Slipping quickly from stool, ad- 
vancing and drawing out chair from table.) Come right in. 

Mrs. Nettleton (pointedly ignoring Sally as she comes 
down) — How do you do, Mr. Krome? (As he indicates 
chair.) No, thank you. I haven't the time. Is Mr. Net- 
tleton in his office? 

(Sally glances at her and writes rapidly on machine.) 

Krome — he's out at present. I'm expecting him any mo- 
ment. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh! How very annoying. (Glancing at 
watch.) I phoned him I would be here at twelve! (Start- 
ing to L.) I'll speak to Mr. Johns ! 

Krome — Sorry, Mrs. Nettleton, but he's out, too. Went 
over to the bank. 

Mrs. Nettleton (turning) — I declare men are never in 
place when we want them. (To Sally, in annoyance at the 

typewriting.) Er — Miss Parker — please It — it makes 

me nervous. (As Sally stops writing and sits with her hands 
in her lap resignedly, Mrs. Nettleton turns to Krome.) Tell 
Mr. Nettleton I've gone to the station to meet Miss Cole. 

Krome — Yes'm, I will. 

Mrs. Nettleton — I'll be back in a little while and wish to 
see him particularly. 

Krome (following her as she moves upstage) — ■Yes'm. 
I'll tell him. 

Mrs. Nettleton (again ignoring Sally as she passes) — 
And say to him that I hope no stupid business Vv^ill inter- 
fere with my appointment a second time. 

Krome (opening door and bowing her out) — Yes'm. Good 
morning. (Closes door and starts back to desk.) 

Sally — Say, Charlie, wliat an old fool Adam was to ever 
part with that extra rib. 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Krome — Well, it wasn't his fault, he was asleep at the 
time. 

Sally — And you men have never waked up since. Miss 

Parker — please — please (Imitates Mrs. Nettleton. 

Jerks paper viciously out of machine and puts in another.) 

Krome — What's the matter with Mrs. Nettleton? 

Sally (with a short, angry laugh) — Oh, she's nice enough 
to you. You wear trousers! But did you see the way she 
looked at me? (Dates letter on machine — looks up.) Thinks 
every woman on earth is crouching like a tiger waiting to 
pounce on her precious, pudgy husband! (Starts to write, 
rises and advances.) And I'll tell you one thing, Charley, 
if this Miss Cole that Mr. Johns is so sweet on, isn't an im- 
provement, I'm going to quit my job. 

Krome — Well, I'm not worrying about the women, it's the 
men! I don't see why the bosses can't get on. A big, fine 
business — increasing every month — and yet they are quar- 
relling and fighting all day long. 

Sally (polishing nails with handkerchief) — W^ell, / know 
why! Vanity! Mr. Johns invented a violet sugar coating- 
for a pill, and believes he made the world! And as for 
Mr. Nettleton — he's making a perfect show of himself. 

Krome — That's so ! It's all right to quarrel when you- 
have a failure, but our bosses are the only two idiots I ever 
heard of who couldn't get along when they had a success. 

(Sally moves in her chair, making a display of her silk 
stockings. Jimmy enters from right rear, coming 
down to Krome.) 

Jimmy — Mr. Krome, de shippin' clerk says (He stops 

abruptly, looking at Sally's stockings out of the corner of 
his eye.) f, ^ , -^ 

Krome (turning on stool) — Well? What? ■ -" ' i 

Jimmy — Well — well he did say somptin' — but — (again 
glancing at Sally) but it's gone clean out of me head. 

Krome (severely, pointing right rear with ruler) — Well,, 
you take your head out there and keep your eyes on your 
work — where they belong. 

Sally — Oh! (pulling down skirt) And you do the same — 
with yours ! 

Jimmy — De boss is comin' ! (Exit.) 

(Sally runs to desk, sits and begins writing rapidly. 
Krome pulls off coat, crosses quickly to stool and be- 
comes very busy.) 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

(Nettleton enters right rear. Starts down to his office 
at right front.) 

Krome — Er — Mr. Nettleton — (as Nettleton pauses) your 
wife was here a few minutes ago, sir. (As Nettleton snaps 
fingers as though suddenly remembering.) She said she had 
an appointment with you. 

Nettleton — That's so — by Jove ! Did you say I left word 
that I was called out on an important engagement? 

Krome — No sir, I didn^t know you had one. 

Nettleton — I hadn't! But next time work your imagin- 
ation! (Starts to door and again stops.) By the way, 
Krome, did you finish up that advertising dummy? 

Krome — Yes, sir. I was just completing it as you came 
in. (Takes up large sheet on which various advertisements 
are pasted in form of a page, and advances. Nettleton 
comes forward, meeting him at C.) There's one thing 
though, that 

Nettleton (who has taken sheet, looks nervously at Krome, 
tapping center of sheet with his finger) — What's this? 
(Pause — Krome looks nervous — Nettleton speaks sharply.) 
I "thought I told you — distinctly — that the center of this page 
was to be occupied by my ad. concerning the medicinal 
qualities of our pill. And here I find this junk about a fash- 
ionable violet coloring. Pah! (Throws sheet on table.) 

Krome — Yes, sir, I know I — I did fix it up in the way you 
told me, but Mr. Johns 

Nettleton — Now never mind Mr. Johns ! You do what / 
say ! Understand ? 

Krome — Yes, sir. 

Nettleton — Then do it. (Turns away.) 

Krome — I will, Mr. Nettleton, of course, but (picking 

up sheet from table) but before this goes to the printer, I'll 
have to have Mr. Johns' O. K. and 

Nettleton (wheeling) — There you go! Mr. Johns — Mr. 
Johns ! — Mr. Johns ! till I'm sick and tired of it. I'm the 
head of this firm, and the sooner you realize it the better. 
(Turning quickly.) You, too, Miss Parker. 

Sally (jumping) — Yes, sir. 

Nettleton (turning to Krome) — Think I'm carrying this 
whole business on my shoulders for fun? Who engaged you 
for your position, anyway? 

Krome — Why — you did, sir. 

Nettleton — All right. Then carry out my orders, or I'll 

8 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

discharge you. What this office needs is system, and I'm go- 
ing to have it. System! (Exit.) 

(Krome sighs and Xes to desk, taking up paste pot and 
a pair of shears.) 

Sally (smiling) — What are you going to do, Charley? 

Krome — The only thing I can do. (Holding up two 
advertisements the size of the center ad. on sheet.) I keep 
a stock of these on hand. Every time one boss kicks I paste 
his ad. over the other one. 

Sally — How many have you now? 

Krome (pasting) — Half a dozen! By the end of the 
week — if I last that long — this pile will be an inch thick. 

(Johns enters from right rear.) 

Sally — Oh Lord! Here's the other one! (Writes rapid- 
ly — Krome turns sheet over on its face and begins posting 
ledger.) 

Johns (coming down and stopping at Krome's desk, tak- 
ing out pass book and laying it on desk. Speaks cheerily) — 
Pass book, Krome. Discounted the Jennings' note and put 
Sherwood's in for collection. (Starts to leave, pauses and 
picks up sheet.) Oh! Hello! Finished the dummy, did 
you? Good boy! (Turns sheet over, looks at it, then slow- 
ly lowers his arm.) Krome! 

Krome — Yes sir? 

Johns (wearily) — This is the fourth time I find this ab- 
surd, inartistic and ridiculous cut in the middle of our ad- 
vertising page — I told you to put mine there (Check- 
ing Krome as he tries to speak.) You ought to be able to 
understand a simple thing like that. If you don't 

Krome- -I do, Mr. Johns, but Mr. Nettleton 

Johns (checking him) — Now, now, cut out Mr. Nettle- 
ton ! Half the time he doesn't know what he's talking 
about, and the other half he's talking about what he doesn't 
know! (Door R slams.) You do what / tell you! 

Krome — But — but how can I, when he insists on the op- 
posite ? 

Johns — And don't you know yet who the boss of this 
office is? 

Krome (looking at floor) — I'm — I'm sorry, sir; but I 
don't! 

Johns — Then I'll tell you — (turning to Sally) both of 
you — (back to Krome) /am! If it wasn't for me, this 
business would be just what it was the day I came in — a 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

poor little sickly squirming baby, dying of cholera infantum. 

Fve made it what it is, and 

Krome — Yes, sir. I understand you — perfectly — but- 



Johns — If Nettleton wants to countermand my order, you 
send him to me. Me! I'll show him who the boss is. 
(Tapping sheet with finger.) Now fix up this dummy and 
don't pay any attention to that one — and do it in the next 
ten minutes. (Tosses sheet on desk and starts to L.) It 
goes to the printers' — today! 

Krome (following him) — But listen, Mr. Johns — please — 
I'm a poor married man — I'm doing my very best — (point- 
ing to R.) but he says, if I don't do it, his way, he'll dis- 
charge me 

Johns — Oh ! You're a poor married man. You love your 
family, don't you? Well then, you do it my way, or Fit 
discharge you! (Exit.) 

(Krome rubs his forehead with sleeve and looks from 
one office to the other. Sally laughs.) 

Krome (climbing slowly back on stool) — That's right — 
laugh ! 

Sally (laughing) — I can't help it, you old dear. You 

looked so funny that I (Laughs again, but stops in 

the middle of it as the two office buzzers sound almost 
simultaneously.) Good Lord! (She grabs up her steno- 
graphic book and looks from one office to the other, in 
doubt.) 

Krome (turning with a grin) — Aha! Now you can see 
how funny it is. 

Sally — Which one rang first ? 

Krome — Neither. It was both at once. 

Sally (crossing R) — Yes, I know, but if I go to Mr. 
Nettleton — (buzzer L, she turns and starts to cross L) and 
if I go to Mr. Johns — (buzzer R — starts R — both buzzers 
sound) Charley! which one must I go to? 

Krome — Go to the one that will make you laugh the 
most. 

(As she still hesitates — he points with ruler at the two 
offices. Stops as Johns enters from L.) 

Johns — Miss Parker, bring your book 

Sally — Yes sir. (Starts to follow him L when Nettleton 
enters R.) 

Nettleton — Miss Parker ! One moment ! I thought you 
fully understood that when my buzzer sounded once — it 
meant that I wished to give dictation ? 

10 



A PAIR OF SIXES 



Sally — Yes sir; I do understand it — but- 



Nettleton — Then bring your book. (Turns to office.) 

Sally — Yes sir. (Starts to follow him.) 

J ohns — Hold on there ! 

Sally (hesitates between the two) — Yes sir — but you 
see — Mr. Nettleton 

Johns — Never mind him — I rang first. 

Nettleton — You didn't! 

Johns — I did ! 

Nettleton — It isn't true, and I don't care if it is. im the 
senior partner in this firm — and propose to have my rights. 
(Turning to office.) Miss Parker, I'm ready with my mail. 

Johns (stepping forward) — Oh no, you don't! The part- 
ners in this firm are equal ! I own fifty per cent, of the 
stock, don't I? And my mail is just as important as yours. 
Miss Parker will come into my office — at once. 

Nettleton (grabbing her wrist) — Will she? 

Johns (grabbing her other wrist) — She will! 

Sally — Oh, please — please ! You are hurting my wrists — 
You— Oh— oh ! ! 

(In the following speeches Nettleton and Johns both speak 
together, angrily, each pulling Sally, she protesting, 
till there is merely a jumble of words.) 

Nettleton — Now see here, Johns, I've stood your im- 
pudence just as long as I'm going to, and it's got to stop! 
You came in here as my assistant, and you think you're the 
whole works! I won't have it, I tell you, and you'd just 
as well understand it right now ! 

Johns (at the same time) — If you think you are going to 
interfere vvith the company's correspondence, just because 
of your own pig-headed selfishness, you've got another guess. 
I've got to get off my mail and I don't propose to do it 
with my hand. 

Krome (protesting) — Gentlemen! Gentlemen! 

(Sally pulls away and Johns and Nettleton stand scowl- 
ing.) 

Nettleton — See here, Mr. T. Boggs Johns ; did you en- 
gage Miss Parker, or did If 

Johns — You did ! When I engage a stenographer, I get 
one that's worth something ! 

Sally (bridling up) — Oh, you do! Then I'll have you to 
know that I'm not dependant on this position for a living. 
If you want a typist that suits you — get one! 

Johns — I will ! you're fired ! 

II 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton — She's not! 1 retain her as my stenographer! 
(Sally crosses to R.) I'm glad to see that at least one of 
my employees recognizes the head of this firm. (To Johns.) 
Pah-ha! (Follows Sally into office, slamming door. Johns 
strides toward door with doubled fists, pauses and turns.) 

Johns — Krome — call up the agency and get me a per- 
sonal stenographer. (As Krome goes to phone.) And I 
call you to witness that when / want her for my mail, she's 
mine ! 

Krome — Yes, sir. (In phone.) Hello — 5060 Worth ! 

Jimmy (enters from right rear) — Mrs. Nettleton is here, 
sir. 

Johns — Well, show her in — what's the matter with you? 
(Exit Jimmy.) 

Krome (in phone) — Hello — yes — Eureka Digestive Pill 
Company. We want a good stenographer — right away. 

(Enter Mrs. Nettleton right rear. Johns notes it, but 
stands with back to her.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — Thank you, Jimmy. 

Johns — If George Nettleton can have a devilish pretty 
typist all to himself, 77/ have one, too. Get me a slasher — 
a peach ! 

Mrs. Nettleton (registering and coming down) — Good 
morning, T. 

Johns (turns in seeming surprise) — Ah! Why Nellie, 
come right in. I'm glad to see you. (Draws out chair for 
her, while Krome continues at phone.) 

Mrs. Nettleton- — You ought to be. I haven't seen you for 
a month. (Withdrawing her hand from his as she sits.) 
Is George here? 

Johns — Oh, yes — in there — with Miss Parker (as she 
turns quickly) his correspondence! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh! (Glancing at closed door.) But — 
but I understood from him that he left that detail of the 
work to you. 

Johns — U'm — yes — And lately I'm doing it with a foun- 
tain pen! (As Jimmy enters, laying a package on desk.) 
Jimmy! Tell Mr. Nettleton — if he can spare the time — his 
wife would like to see him. (As Jimmy crosses to R, taps 
on door and enters.) I'm just engaging a stenographer of 
my own — to get anything down at all. 

Krome — I beg your pardon, sir (Leaves phone and 

comes down.) 

Johns — Er — what is it, Krome? 

12 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Krome — They are sending over six for you to select 
from — three dark ones, two light ones and a red. (Turns 
up stage and exits.) 

Johns — I'll play the red. 

(Mrs. Nettleton registers, while Jimmy comes out of of- 
fice and starts to pass her without speaking.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — Well, boy? Well? 

Jimmy — Says he's busy. Yer'll have to wait a minute. 
(Exits.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — Well upon my word! (Crosses her 
hands resignedly.) 

Johns (grinning to himself and turning sympathetically) 
— Anything / can do — while you are — waiting? 

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh, no! No! (Laughing nervously.) 
It doesn't matter — really ! (Again glancing right then turn- 
ing brightly.) By the way, who do you think is visiting me? 

Johns (delightedly) — You don't mean — Florence? (As 
she smiles and nods.) She wrote me that she would be 
here next Sunday ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — She came this morning. Didn't George 
tell you? 

Johns — He? Huh! (Quickly.) I mean — it — it must 
have slipped his mind. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yes, possibly. She'll be here in just a 
minute. 

Johns — Good ! Where is she ? 

Mrs. Nettleton — We met Mr. Vanderholt — quite accident- 
ally — going to his office ; and Florence stopped to chat with 
him. 

Johns (a little taken back) — Oh! I see! 

Mrs. Nettleton (teasingly) — You'll have to look out for 
Mr. Vanderholt. He's awfully handsome — and a danger- 
ously clever lawyer. 

Johns — Now don't you worry over Van. I have some- 
thing for Florence that will make Van look like a ten-cent 
piece at Tiffany's. (Going to L.) Excuse me? 

Mrs. Nettleton — What is it, T? 

Johns (joyously) — You ask her — tomorrow! (Exits.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (calling after him) — I will — when I see 
it on her finger! (She turns and looks at Nettleton's door 
— shrugs and picks up newspaper from table. Sally is 
heard to laugh lightly off stage. Mrs. Nettleton drops 
paper, rises and faces door. Sally comes out, still laughing, 
but stops suddenly as she sees Mrs. Nettleton.) 

13 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns — Oh, what's coming to him ! 

Sally — Oh! Er — how do you do, Mrs. Nettleton? 

Mrs. Nettleton (regarding her severely and speaking with 
haughty dignity) — Quite well, thank you. I never knew 
before that Mr. Nettleton's correspondence was so vastly 
amusing. (Lowers lorgnette, turns her back on Sally and 
enters Nettleton's office.) 

(Enter Tony Toler from right rear. He is brisk and 
alert, coming down quickly.) 

Tony — Aha! Miss Parker! As beautiful and charm- 
ing as ever! (Kissing his fingers and touching her fore- 
head.) I greet thee with a hungry kiss! 

Sally — Why, Tony — how do you do^ 

Krome (entering left rear) — Hello, Tony. When did you 
get in ? 

Tony (shaking hands) — Ten fifty limited, old top. 

Krome — How are you? 

Tony — Still busy, boozy and begrimed. Where's fighting 
George and tackling T? (Indicating offices.) In there? 
Good work ! I'm in a hurry ! (Crosses to Nettleton's door.) 

Sally — Er — Tony — His wife is with him. 

Tony — I don't want his wife. / want him! (Knocks 
loudly at door and crosses to L.) I've got something that 
will wake 'em up till they'll never hit the sheets again. 
(Knocks loudly at Johns' door and comes to C.) You 
watch little Tony Toler. (As Nettleton and Johns enter, 
stopping and looking in outraged astonishment at Tony. He 
smiles and nods to them.) Good morning. Boys! Well? 
Here I am. (As they both stride forward angrily, he holds 
out both hands to stop them.) Now don't get excited — 
please — please ! You are going to love me ! In fact, I think 
you're going to slip me a little kiss. Oh — I don't want it — 
I've almost — I say almost — landed — the Northwestern Drug 
Company. 

Nettleton — What ! 

Johns — Good boy! (They shake his hands.) 

Tony (addressing first one and then the other) — Worked 
it through their president, Mr. Sammy Applegate. Big man 
and a live wire. He's in town now — on his bridal trip ; and 
if I can get here in that condition — he's ours! 

Johns — When will you bring him? 

Tony — That depends. 

Nettleton— On what? 

Tony — On you! 

T4 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Mrs. Nettleton (opens door; Nettleton waves her off). 

Tony — Of course, it's not in my contract, but both of 
you promised that the day I brought in the scalp lock of 
the Northwestern, you'd make me a partner in this firm, 
with a quarter interest and ten per cent, commission on my 
sales. (As they both move back slightly.) Now then? 
Does it go? 

Nettleton (pulling at his collar) — Well, I — I don't know 
about that. The — the business has increased since then. 

Tony — So has the Northwestern's business. They control 
the patent medicine trade west of the Mississippi. I'll dou- 
ble your profits and put you where you ought to have been 
three years ago. Question : Do I come in ? 

Johns (as Nettleton still hesitates) — You bet you do! 
When / make an agreement, I keep it. Go to it, Tony! 
(Holds out hand.) 

Tony — Thank you, Mr. Johns! (Shakes hands and turns 
to Nettleton.) Well, Mr. Nettleton? 

Nettleton — Well — I guess he's right. (Turning away.) 
For the first time since I've known him. (To Tony.) You 
bring Applegate and I'll sign the contract. 

Johns — No, no ! We will sign the contract. 

Tony — Thanks. I'll get him! (Shakes hands with Net- 
tleton.) 

Johns — Where did you nail him, Tony ? 

Tony (again speaking to both in turn) — On the train — 
last night ! A miracle ! His bride ate soft shell crabs and 
a charlotte russe — (smiling) then doubled up like a pretty 
little jack-knife. 

Nettleton — My, my ! 

Johns — Too bad ! 

Tony — Bad! The greatest thing that ever happened. I 
handed her a bow and slipped a couple of our digestive 

pills. I waited — with sweat upon my marble brow 

beaming) : 

In just one-quarter of an hour 
The jack knife was a smiling flower! 

Nettleton (laughing) — Good business ! Great! 

Johns — Make a hit with hubby? 

Tony — A hit? Say, for the rest of the trip he didn't 
know which was his bride and which was me. Well, I'm 
off. (Laughs, goes up stage and turns.) I'll have him 
wrapped and taged in twenty minutes. You watch little 

15 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Tony Toler! (Puts hat on side of his head, waves to 
Krome at left rear, and exits right rear. Krome exits.) 

Johns — A good man, George ; and he's going to make a 
first-class partner. 

Nettleton (loftily) — U'm, yes. And don't forget it was / 
who first employed him. You can't take tJiat from me. 
(Groses to R.) 

Johns — H'm ! And two years ago when you wanted to 
fire him, / was the one who made you keep him. And I 
guess you can't take that from me! (Grosses to L.) 

Nettleton (at door) — You made me! 

Johns — I did ! 

Nettleton — Peh ! 

Johns — Peh-heh ! 

(Both exeunt and close doors. Sally raises hands and 
starts to write. Jimmy enters L rear.) 

Jimmy — Say, Miss Parker! Lady by de name of Gole — 
waitin' outside ! 

Sally— Gole? Mr. Johns' girl? 

Jimmy — Gee! I wish she w^as mine! 

(Florence Gole opens door behind Jimmy and enters. 
Jimmy tries to hold her back, but she pushes past him 
and comes down, while Jimmy stares at her and backs 
out. Florence turns to Sally, smiling and speaking 
courteously.) 

Florence — Pardon me for interrupting you; but is Airs. 
Nettleton here? 

Sally — Yes — with Mr. Nettleton. Shall I tell her you 

Florence — No, no, no ! Don't interrupt them — please ! 
But would you mind saying to Mr. Johns that — that Miss 
Gole is calling? 

Sally (rising, cheerfully) — With pleasure, Miss Gole. 
(Goes L, beaming.) That's something like it! (Taps and 
enters Johns' office as Mrs. Nettleton comes out of office 
opposite.) 

Florence— Hello, Nell ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh ! you found the way, did you ? 

Florence — I was escorted — to the door 

Mrs. Nettleton — By Mr. Vanderholt? 

Sally — He'll be here in just a moment! 

Florence (looking about) — Is this the pillery? 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yes ; this is where they toil and slave — 
for us. 

i6 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Florence (still looking about, as Sally enters and crosses 
to desk) — My! and how prosperous they seem to be! 

Mrs. Nettleton— Aren't they? But the best part of it is, 
they get along so well together. (Sally starts to laugh, 
checks it and writes rapidly.) Most business partners are 
continually having their little differences, but George and T 
are just like brothers. 

(Sally again registers— Mrs. Nettleton looks at her in 
annoyance.) 

Florence (looking from right to left) — Where are they 
now — rolling little purple pills ? 

Mrs. Nettleton— Florence ! The idea! All that is done 
at the factory where George used to be before T was in 
the firm. 

Florence (turning quickly)— I thought they went in to- 
gether. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh, dear no! George was the originator 
of the business, and, naturally, has the greater care and 
responsibility. 

Florence (in surprise)— //a^ he? Why, I judged from 
T's letters, that most of the labor fell on him! 

Mrs. Nettleton — The labor— yes. George does the brain 
work — and gives it to T to carry out. 

(Sally begins to laugh, and as Florence and Mrs. Nettle- 
ton turn, she claps a handkerchief over her mouth and 
runs out at rear.) 

Florence (to back of table)— Good gracious! What's 
the matter with her ? 

Mrs. Nettleton — / don't know, I'm sure ! 

Florence (looking after Sally and coming to Mrs. Nettle- 
ton) — Is she — er — Ts stenographer? 

Mrs. Nettleton (stiffly)— No— George's. T has just or- 
dered several — of assorted colors — two darks, two lights 
and a red. 

Florence — I hope he chooses the red ! 

Mrs. Nettleton (crosses to right, knocks on door, speaks 
petulently)— George, dear! Hurry, won't you? I'm 
zvaiting ! 

Florence (indicating door left) — Did you tell T that I 
was here ? You know, there are two partners in this firm. 

Mrs. Nettleton — I told him — when I first came in. 
(Quickly.) Oh, Florence— I have a secret! But don't say 
/ told you! (Coming to her, looking around, then indicat- 
mg Johns' door.) He's been to Tiffany's— and while he 

17 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

didn't tell me — in so many words (Stops and moves 

off as Johns enters.) 

Johns (advancing joyously) — Why, Florence! 

Florence (meeting him cordially) — T! How are you? 

Johns (shaking both her hands) — Well, bless your heart! 
What bully good wind brings you down from Albany? 

(Mrs. Nettleton crosses and the three stand together at L. 
Nettleton enters from R and stands looking at them.) 

Florence — Shopping. Came down on a flying trip, 
swooped upon Nellie and trotted her along. 

Mrs. Nettleton (at same time) — And I found I didn't 
have a cent of money in my purse, so I had to come here 
before I went to the shops. 

Johns (at same time) — And I'm grateful to any cause 
that brings two such charming ladies to my humble door. 

Nettleton — H'm'm ! (As they stop their chatter and 
turn.) Anybody going to speak to me! 

Florence — Oh ! Of course ! How are you, George 

(Turns to Johns — holding him in pantomime. Mrs. Net- 
tleton croses to R.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — I'll speak to you. I forgot to tell you 
(as he looks at her in surprise) I want some shopping 
money. (As he puts hands in pockets.) If you haven't the 
cash, I'll take a check. 

Johns — Oh, Nellie! (Looking at watch.) If you and 
Florence can wait for half an hour, I'd like to have you 
lunch with me. 

(Nettleton registers and turns away.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — Thank you T ; but we haven't time. 
(Advancing.) Besides, I hardly think I ought to lunch with 
you. 

Johns — No ? 

Florence — Why not? (Looks from one to the other.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — You haven't been up to dinner for near- 
ly a month — has he, George? 

Nettleton — Huh! (Turns upstage.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (to Florence) — And he used to come' at 
least three times a week. 

Florence — Why T ! 

Johns — Er — I've been frightfully busy lately, (icorge has 
only the manufacturing end of it, and the principal and 
more important part of the business falls on me! 

Mrs. Nettleton — What? 

Nettleton— f^/za/-'^ thatf 

i8 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns (to Mrs. Nettleton) — I mean — that every firm has 
got to carry some dead wood. (Glancing at Nettleton. 
Turns back to Florence — Nettleton starts toward him, but 
is checked by Nellie.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — George, dear! What is it? 

Nettleton (striving to hide his rage) — Er — Nellie! Come 
into my office, will you? I'll — I'll draw that check ! (Turns 
to office.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — But, darling! Oh, what is it? 

Nettleton (at door, glancing at Johns and speaking in 
angry sarcasm) — Nothing! Only — I'm afraid of taking up 
more of his valuable time! (Follows her into office, scowl- 
ing back at Johns). 

Florence (to back of table) — My goodness! What's the 
matter with him ! 

Johns — Liver, I guess. Needs a couple of his own pills. 
(Turning to her.) But look here! Surely you aren't going 
back to Albany tonight ? 

Florence — Oh, but I must. Father's away and mother is 
quite alone. (Turning with a smile.) Besides, you are 
not particularly glad to see me. 

Johns (sitting on edge of table) — I'm notf Why not? 

Florence — Because, when I came to see you — specially 
— it took you just four whole minutes to come out of your 
cubby hole. I expected you to jump ! 

Johns — Aha! But I had a reason! (Taking small pack- 
age from vest pocket and undoing it.) I was digging in my 
safe — for this ! 

Florence — Oh, well, if it's nice, I'll forgive you. (Sits 
on edge of table beside him.) What is it? (As he hands 
her a ring, she takes it, holding it up.) Oh! A ring! Two 
diamonds and a ruby ! Why T — it's perfectly exquisite I 
(Turning quickly.) Who's it for? (Begins taking ofif her 
left glove.) 

Johns — For the finest, j oiliest, loveliest, most beautiful, 
most perfect little scout between Iceland and the Panama 
Canal. For the greatest, most glorious, most 

Florence (laughing) — Hold on T! There's only one like 
that! (Holding up her finger.) Slip it on — with a wish. 

Johns (poising ring) — I wish — hello! What's that ring? 

Florence — Oh, that ring! That's mine! 

Johns — Yes, I know — but who gave it to you — Mr. Van- 
derholt ? 

Florence — Your lawyer ? Ha, ha, ha, ha ! And don't 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

you know if I had had a love affair with a lawyer, that he 
would have had the ring, not I? (Holding up finger.) Are 
you satisfied? 

Johns (slipping ring on and taking both her hands) — 
Perfectly. What do / get for mine ? 

Florence — It depends upon what you want. (As he draws 
her toward him.) Oh, don't! You musn't kiss me — here! 
(As he continues to draw her, she slips from table.) Some- 
body might come in — don't! 

Johns — Then come in here — my office. 

Florence (hanging back) — Oh, no — no! That would 
seem so cold-blooded ! 

Johns — It won't be when you get it! 

Florence — No, maybe not — but — (glancing around) T 
think I'll risk it here. (Again looking round, then turning.) 
Quick. (He takes her in his arms and kisses her. Jimmy 
from rear, sees them and beats a hasty retreat. Releasing 
herself, turning and seeing no one.) What was that? 

Johns — I guess it was my heart — turning a double somer- 
sault. (Coming to her.) Come on! Make it do it again! 

Florence (eluding him and running around table) — Oh, 
no, no! I prefer it right side up! (Picking up samples 
from table.) My! What prettily colored boxes! 

Johns — Aha ! The secret of the firms' success. That 
color? Mine! (As she turns to him inquiringly.) George 
was in business first, but the pill he was putting up tasted 
so — er — simply villainous that the public said it would be 
da (Puts hand over mouth.) 

Florence — Go on — say it. That's half of matrimony. 
(Taking up box.) What's in the pills? 

Johns — Cincona, colchicum, aloes, asafedita, strychnine, 
sodium and a compound of rarified peptinoids. 

Florence (making a face) — Waugh. 

Johns — Exactly. Then / came along — and corrected it. 
Invented a sugar coating — to take off the curse — and col- 
ored it with violet. (Taking up box and opening it.) Look ! 
The present most fashionable tint. My work! My art! 

Florence — Do children cry for them ? 

Johns — They howl! (Holding up box.) In its present 
perfected state, it is known as the little pill that fills the 
bill. (Handing box.) Take some along, won't you? 

Florence (moving away) — No, thank you. I still have 
you to live for. (Stopping before his office door.) Is this 
where your genius germinates? 

20 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

(Nettleton enters with check in his hand, followed by 
Mrs. Nettleton. Florence has her back to them.) 

Johns (bowing to Florence) — The official cubby hole. 
Walk in! (As Florence passes him.) This side of the 
office represents the brains and blood. (Jerking thumb 
over shoulder.) That side — the bone and fat! (Exits with 
Florence into office.) 

Nettleton (glaring after him, in fury) — You hear that, 
Nellie? You hear that? He's the brains and blood! And 
Tm the bone and fat. Agh ! (Turns away.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (following him) — Now, dear — don't! 
Perhaps he's only joking! 

Nettleton — Joking? Joking! I tell you, Nellie, he's do- 
ing it all the time ! Continually knocking my splendid work, 
and praising his own childish efiforts to the skies ! What's 
he done for the business anyway? Nothing! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yes, dear — of course (Taking up 

box from table.) But still, you must admit, that the violet 
coloring is fashionable. 

Nettleton (disgustedly) — Fashionable! It's hideous! 

Mrs. Nettleton (again following him, trying to pat his 
shoulder) — Now, darling, don't! It will never do for such 
old friends to quarrel. T has been like a member of the 
family for years. Of course, we all have our little weak- 
nesses ; but you don't seem to realize that sometimes he may 
be right and you wrong. 

Nettleton (turning angrily) — That's right! Take up for 
him! Run me down! I'm nothing! 

Mrs. Nettleton (reproachfully as she sits R of table) — 
George ! 

Nettleton — I tell you, Nellie. When a man's business 
troubles get into his home — it's just about time to quit! 
(Sternly.) Hereafter, you keep out of it! 

Mrs. Nettleton (offended, rising) — Oh, well, if you take 
that tone, I'm rather sorry I came to see you. Give me my 
check, that's all I came for anyhow. (Snatching it out of 
his hand, folding and putting it in her purse.) 

Nettleton (as Krome enters from rear) — Krome ! (Point- 
ing to Johns' office.) Tell that (As Johns and Flor- 
ence enter.) Never mind. There it is! 

Florence — Going, Nellie ? 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yes. We are in the way — of business ! 
(Glares at Nettleton and crosses affably to Johns.) Good- 
bye, T. Come up soon — to dinner — won't you? 

21 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns — I will. The very first time that George invites 
me ! 

(Nettleton turns away.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — Now, don't you wait for him. Come to 
see m^.' (Laughing.) Goodbye! 

Florence (shaking hands with Nettleton) — Goodbye, 
George ! Vm so glad to find you both so prosperous — and 
happy. 

Nettleton — Goodbye ! 

Johns (going up to rail with the two ladies) — Goodbye, 
Florence, I'll run up to Albany just as soon as I can trust 
George with the — er — critical affairs of business. 

Florence (holding up her finger, indicating ring) — Yes, 
do^ — and make it soon. Goodbye ! 

(Johns blows a kiss after her, then turns, and with hands 
in pockets comes down, humming lightly, ignores Net- 
tleton and crosses to office L. Sally enters.) 

Nettleton (in anger and sarcasm) — Hold on there, Mr. 
Blood and Brains ! The Bone and Fat are going to tell 
you something. 

Johns (smiling) — Yes? Pray do. 

Nettleton — / heard you ! Why did you make that state- 
ment to Miss Cole? 

Johns (airily, with an irritating smile) — From an inborn 
sense of justice — and a love of truth. 

Nettleton — Truth, hell! And Fll tell you this, if you 
wait for an invitation to my house, you'll be playing music 
— on a harp! 

Johns — And when I do come, yoti'll be attending to busi- 
ness — for once — with a pitchfork! 

Nettleton — Well, Fll attend to business now ! Fve stood 
for you long enough, and Fm going to dissolve this disgust- 
ing partnership today! 

Johns — All right. That suits — me! 

Nettleton — Krome ! Call up my lawyer. Ask him to 
come over — right away. 

Krome — Yes, sir. 

Johns — Krome— you can say to my attorney — that Fm 
just as anxious to see him as Mr. Nettleton is. 

Krome — Yes, sir. Fll try to make it clear to him. (Cross- 
es to phone.) 

( Nettleton and Johns take a step toward each other, stop, 
then turn to their offices.) 

Nettleton (at open door) — Nut! 

22 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns — Mutt ! 

Nettleton — What ? 

Johns — Tut — tut ! 

(They exit into offices, slamming doors.) 

(Sally comes down to machine.) 

Krome — Hello! 2480 Rector! 

Sally — Charley — this place reminds me of the man who 
had both hands cut off. 

Krome — Well ? 

Sally — And then he got hives ! 

Krome (in phone) — Hello! That you, Mr. Vanderholt? 
Krome speaking. Yes, sir. Mr. Johns and Mr. Nettleton 
would like you to come over — right away, sir. (Pause.) 
All right, sir. Thank you. Goodbye. (Hanging up re- 
ceiver and turning with a sigh.) I guess this is the finish, 
Miss Sally — for us! 

(Enter from right rear Tony, followed by Mr. Samuel Ap- 
plegate, a large man with a deep bass voice. Krome 
nervously glances from them to the two offices.) 

Tony — Right this way, Mr. Applegate! Our Bookkeeper, 
Mr. Krome. Miss Parker, kindly announce Mr. Apple- 
gate. (Pulling out chair.) Have a seat! (Rubbing hands, 
beaming and smiling at Krome and Sally.) I want you to 
meet the members of my firm — a team! The finest pair 
that ever pushed a pill ! 

Applegate — Thank you, Mr. Toler. It will be a pleasure. 
(Takes out cardcase. Sally crosses to L and goes into of- 
fice, then comes out of Johns' office and crosses into Net- 
tleton's office.) A perfect partnership, Mr. Toler, should 
run with the same degree of order and lack of friction — as 
the home affairs of a happily married couple. 

Tony (nervously) — Yes. That's what we have here. 
Just one long honeymoon. (Sally comes out of Nettleton's 
office, crosses to desk and sits. Johns enters from office L. 
Tony advances.) Mr. Johns, I have the honor to intro- 
duce 

Johns (putting him aside and advancing with extended 
hand) — A — h! Mr. Applegate! (Tony steps back in hurt 
astonishment, while Johns advances.) This is, indeed, a 
pleasure. Johns is my name, and (As Nettleton en- 
ters from R.) Oh, come in, George! Mr. Applegate, 
permit me to present my esteemed partner — Mr. Nettleton. 
(Pats him on the back and brings him forward while Tony 
looks on in astonishment and begins to beam again.) 

23 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

(Tony, Krome and Sally register throughout scene.) 

Applegate (as he shakes hands with Nettleton) — Well, 
well, well — I am flattered. In fact 

Nettleton — Have a seat, sir. 

Johns — Yes, do! (Both draw out the same chair.) 

Applegate (bowing to both) — Thank you — thank you. 
(Taking seat L of table.) I was about to remark 

Nettleton — Pardon me. (Turning.) Jimmy — my cigars. 
And pick up your feet ! 

Jimmy — Yesser ! (Goes into office R.) 

Johns — Don't trouble, George! Mine are nearer. (Turn- 
ing.) Krome, get my cigars. MY private box! (Exit 
Krome into office L.) 

Nettleton (patting Johns on shoulder) — No trouble, dear 
old chap. None in the wide, wide world. (As Jimmy en- 
ters with box, he takes it.) Ah! Here we are. (Opening 
box and passing to Applegate.) Have a cigar, sir. 

Applegate (as Krome enters from L) — Thank you. I 
was about to say, gentlemen 

Johns — Pardon me. (Taking box from Krome.) I think 
you will find the flavor of these a trifle more agreeable. 
Tobacco is the one point on which Nettleton and I can never 
quite agree. 

(Sally checks a laugh, clapping her hands over her mouth, 
Krome and Tony make frantic gestures for her to 
stop. Jimmy returns to Nettleton's office, abstracting 
several cigars from the box and putting them in his 
pocket. ) 

Applegate (pocketing the two cigars of Johns and Net- 
tleton) — Thank you. I was about to say, gentlemen, that 
my time is limited. Let's get down to business. 

Nettleton (taking seat) — Happy to serve you, Mr. Ap- 
plegate. 

Johns (taking seat) — In any capacity! 

Applegate — (jood! It is a pleasure, I assure you, to 
transact business with two such enterprising fine young men. 
(Nettleton smiles and bows to Johns. Johns smiles and 
bows to Nettleton. Krome and Sally register their aston- 
ishment. Tony beams.) Your harmony of method ap- 
peals especially to me — a — um — a newly married man. 

Nettleton (delightedly) — What! (Grasps his hand.) 

Johns (delightedly) — You? (Grasps his other hand.) 
Congratulations ! 

24 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton — To you and to the lady. I have a very charm- 
ing wife myself. 

Johns — And / am about to have one ! 

Applegate (laughing with them) — Delightful! All three 
in the same connubial boat. But, let's sail back to business. 
(As they both bow.) I'm interested in your remedy — 
through your very bright young salesman, Mr. Toler. 

Tony — Um — thank you, sir. (Advancing.) And if I 
may dip in my little paddle, gentlemen- 

Nettleton (waving him back from behind chair) — Not 
just now, Tony. 

Johns — Don't come into the firm too soon. (Turning.) 

Applegate — The Northwestern is going to carry your line 
of goods. Give me a blank and I'll sign our first spring 

order for (Slight pause.) Well — say — fifty thousand 

gross 

Nettleton (swallowing) — Er — thank you, Mr. Applegate. 

Applegate — No. No thanks to me. The West is grow- 
ing and it needs a good energetic pill. 

Nettleton — Krome ! 

Johns — An order blank. 

(Krome hands order blank — both reach for it, but Johns 
get it.) 

Nettleton — No, no — T let me! 

Johns — Oh, I wouldn't trouble you — for the world! 

Nettleton — Oh ! Just as you prefer, of course. (Turns 
to Applegate. Johns fills out order on table.) 

Applegate (to Nettleton) — No wonder you two have 
made a great success. 

Nettleton — Thank you. And while we are waiting, I'd 
like to show you what / have done to perfect this pill. The 
ingredients are mine. A marvellous combination of ef- 
fective though non-injurious drugs; and the answer is in our 
sales. (Stepping to L.) Krome, give me the order book 
and report of our last fiscal year, showing sales for the 
East and South. 

Johns (placing order and pen in front of Applegate) — 
And I'd like to call your attention to the color of these pills. 
My idea. (As Nettleton tries to interrupt, Johns waves 
him aside.) The coating is made from the best refined 
beet sugar, and this fashionable violet dye has defied the 
persecutions of the Pure Drug Law. (Applegate nods ap- 

25 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

proval, takes up pen and signs.) The enormous sales, due 
almost exclusively to the outside of this pill 

Nettleton (interrupting) — Yes, yes, old fellow; but the 
selling quality is on the inside. (Taking sheet from Krome 
and waving Johns aside.) Here we are! Account of sales 
for year ending November 30th, 1912: One hundred and 

forty-three thousand gross (Glancing triumphantly at 

Applegate.) Counting fifty pills to the box 

Johns — Fifty-one ! 

Nettleton — Counting fifty pills to the box — we have a 
total of ten hundred and twenty-nine million, six hundred 
and twenty thousand opportunities for a sound digestion — 
that / have ofifered to the East and South alone. 

Johns (a little sharply) — You have! 

Nettleton — Yes, /.' Mr. Applegate is interested in the 
ingredients of my pill ! 

Johns — And Mr. Applegate, as a business man and a 
druggist, knows perfectly well that the success of any 
patent medicine depends first on its advertising and next 
on its pleasing taste or form. 

(Applegate begins to look uncomfortable — the others 
register their alarm.) 

Nettleton — Nothing of the sort — and you know it. 

Tony (stepping forward, appealingly) — Mr. Johns! Mr. 
Nettleton ! 

Nettleton — Tony, keep out of this ! 

Applegate — Gentlemen, I didn't come here to 

Johns — You keep out, too! (To Nettleton.) The public 
doesn't give a hang for the inside of your pill 

(Applegate rises and backs away in astonishment.) 

Nettleton — The public does ! As shown by the approval 
of every reputable doctor ! 

Johns — Huh ! And what reputable doctor ever prescribed 
yoursf 

Nettleton — Peh ! Do doctors prescribe your purple color- 
ing? 

Johns — They do ! They are even giving X-ray violet 
baths ! 

(As Nettleton turns away in disgust, Applegate speaks 
to Tony.) 

Applegate — What are they? Humorists — or just plain 
bugs? 

Nettleton (turning) — Johns, you are talking like a fool. 

26 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

(Turning.) And if Mr. Applegate will come with me into 
my office 

Applegate (checking him with a lifted hand) — No, Mr. 
Nettleton, I don't believe I care to. 

Johns (picking up boxes from table with both hands) — 
But Mr. Applegate 

Applegate (checking him with other hand) — No, Mr. 
Johns, your sugar coating doesn't appeal to me, either. 
(Looking from one to the other.) What my firm wants is 
a pill that will give the human stomach a good square honest 
deal. (Picking up hat and gloves.) But in this office — the 
cause of indigestion — seems rather stronger than the cure. 
(Taking up order and tearing it across.) Good morning, 
gentlemen. (Turns and starts up stage.) 

Tony (in one last appeal) — But — Mister — Applegate! 

Applegate (handing him the torn order) — Frame it — 
for future reference. (Exits right rear.) 

(Pause — Johns and Nettleton hold positions at C. Tony 
at rear. Krome and Sally on either side of stage.) 

Tony (almost weeping — furious) — Say, you two damn 
fools — you don't need a salesman. You want a zifet nurse! 
(Throws fragments of order at them, and exits right rear.) 

Nettleton (calling after him) — Get out of here! You're 
fired! 

Tony — Fired, huh ! 

Johns — Now you've done it ! Lost the best salesman in 
America, and killed the biggest order we nearly ever had. 

Nettleton — I didn't kill the order ! You did it yourself 
when you tried to hog the credit for my pill ! 

Johns — It isn't so ! He was my customer. I got him first 
and had him going. 

Nettleton — And now you've got him gone! 

Johns — And why? Because you butt in and queered the 
sale when I had the order signed! 

Nettleton — Heh ! Then Pm glad you lost it! 

Johns — And are perfectly willing to smash the business 
and choke the profits of the firm on account of your piggish 
jealousy! It isn't fair to me — or my children! 

Nettleton (in contempt) — Your children! You soap- 
headed nincompoop, you're not even married ! 

Johns — No, but I expect to be ! I'm looking to the 
future! (Pathetically) And when I think of those poor 
little things — crying for food — starving — on your account — 
it makes me wild! (Turns away.) 

27 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton (striding toward him angrily) — See here, Mr. 
Brains and Blood! that's just about enough! Another re- 
mark or two like that and we'll make the matter personal! 

Johns — All right, Mr. Bone and Fat — I'm with you! 

Nettleton — With me ! That's the trouble. As soon as my 
lawyer comes and I get rid of you, I'm going to sit down 
— and laugh ! 

Johns — And when / get rid of you, I'm going to set off 
fireworks ! 

Nettleton— Bluff ! 

(They begin to back away toward their respective offices.) 

Johns — A couple of bluffs ! 

(They puff smoke at each other, enter offices and slam 
doors. Krome crosses wearily to cooler, draws water 
and puts it on his head. Sally croses to mirror and 
begins putting on her hat.) 

Sally — Say, Charley, if I want to keep this job, I'll have 
to lead a double life. 

(Thomas Vanderholt enters from right rear.) 

Vanderholt — Good morning, Krome. 

Krome — Oh, Mr. Vanderholt — you're just in time. 

Vanderholt (advancing briskly) — Miss Parker, good 
morning. (Turning to Krome.) Well? What's the trouble? 
Same old fight ? 

Krome — Yes sir; but this time it's to a finish. 

Vanderholt — U'm — bad as that, eh? 

Sally — It's worse ! 

Krome — They want you to dissolve their partnership, 
and let this fine, big, money-making business go to smash. 

Sally — And we don't want to lose our positions. 

Vanderholt (checking her) — Don't worry about your po- 
sitions. Just have them out and we'll settle this thing for 
good and all. 

Krome — But you won't, sir 

Sally — Indeed, you won't! 

Krome — It's gone too far. You can't smooth over this 
time, or if you do, you've got to give them something with 
a punch behind it! 

Vanderholt — All right, I will. Now get them out! 

(Sally and Krome cross to the two offices, tapping on 
doors and speaking at the same time.) 

Krome — Mr. Vanderholt is here, sir. 

Sally — Mr. Vanderholt is here, sir 

(They start back to their desks.) 

28 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt (at C) — Thank you — both of you. Now 
leave the whole case — to me! 

Nettleton (entering from R) — Hello, Van! 

Johns (entering from L) — Hello, Van! 

Vanderholt — Hello, boys ! How are you ? 

Nettleton (advancing), — I'm the one who sent for you. 

Johns (advancing) — And so am I. 

Both (catching him by either arm) — Come into my of- 
fice, will you? 

Vanderholt — Hold on ! Hold on ! This is one of the 
times when I'll have to take you both together. (As they 
hold him.) Come on, now — come on! (As they move to 
either end of the table, scowling at each other.) And sit 
down! (As they jerk out chairs and sit.) Ah! (As Sally 
advances.) Er — what is it. Miss Parker? 

Sally — Excuse me, but would you like me to go out for 
a while? 

Johns — Yes — please. 

Nettleton — No — stay where you are. (To Van.) I want 
her for my witness. 

Vanderholt (as Johns rises in protest) — Not a bad idea, 
T — we may need her. (Turning.) Take a seat, Miss 
Parker. 

Johns (as Sally sits at her desk) — All right! If he has a 
witness, then I'll have a witness. (Calling.) Kromie ! 
Kromie ! 

Krome — Yes, sir? 

Johns — Stay right where you are — I want you for iny 
witness ! 

Krome — Yes, sir. 

V^anderholt (turning) — Well, boys, what's the row this 
time? 

Nettleton — I want you to dissolve this partnership — at 
once. 

Johns — And no patching up this trip — I want it ripped 
wide open. 

Vanderholt (looking from one to the other in half pity) 
— What's the matter with you two? It's a shame you can't 
get on when you have every reason on earth to pull together. 

Nettleton— Heh ! 

Johns — Heh — heh ! 

Vanderholt — You mean to tell me you are going to let 
this valuable business go to ruin simply because of your 

29 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

own pig-headedness. You ought to be kicked — the pair 
of you ! 

Johns — Now look here, Van 

Vanderholt — Hold on ! I'm talking. You've been squab- 
bling and fighting for years, and trotting to me with your 
childish differences. I get it in your office, and my office, 
and on the street, and everywhere I see you, till you've just 
about driven me crazy. I've fixed you up and started you 
off at least forty times, and the next day you blow up and 
are at it again. Now, I'm fond of you both — you know that. 
(Patting Nettleton's shoulder.) Old George has been a 

sort of running mate of mine (Turning with a smile.) 

And as for T — and we've both got the good taste to 
admire the same girl. (Johns looks at him. Seriously.) 
But this is business and we'll cut the friendship out. If you 
choose to be sensible and settle this thing like rational 
human beings, I'll help you all I can, but you've got to shake 
hands and make it a final settlement. (As Nettleton and 
Johns remove hands from table and put them in pockets, 
Van rises and looks down at them.) Good Lord! Did 
either of you fellows ever play football? (No reply — they 
glance at each other.) I'll bet you didn't. Now did you? 

Nettleton — No. 

Johns — Why ? 

Vanderholt — Team work ! That's the way to win out ! 
Team work. Of course, if you can't pull together — then 
fight. Knife your own prospects, commit a cold-blooded 
business suicide — and pay me for arranging the funeral dec- 
orations. (As Johns and Nettleton glare at each other sul- 
lenly.) Do I understand that you are fully determined to 
dissolve this partnership? 

Johns — I am. 

Nettleton— Ab-so-lutely ! 

Vanderholt — All right — we'll do it. (Seating himself and 
drawing a pad toward him.) Question is — hozv will we 
do it? 

Johns — That's what we are paying you for. 

Vanderholt — And God knows I'm earning my fee! Now 
then ! The simplest and most amicable process is for one 
of you to buy the other out. 

Nettleton — Now you're talkuig. 

Johns — For the first time since you started. 
^Vanderholt — (lood ! I'm glad you agree on something! 

30 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Next question, which of you will sell? How about you, 
George ? 

Nettleton — Me sell out! To himf And how long do 
you think the business would last with that Napoleon of 
finance at the head of it? 

Johns (rising angrily) — Now see here, George Nettle- 
ton 

Vanderholt (as Nettleton also rises) — Here! Here. Sit 
down there — both of you. 77/ referee this battle. (As all 
sit.) Mr. Nettleton refuses to sell. How about you, T? 

Johns — Who? Me? Sell out the results of my brains — 
to that big, fat jelly-fish? (Turning head away in disgust.) 

Vanderholt (restraining Nettleton from rising) — All 
right. I construe that as another refusal. Now ! Since a 
simple bill of sale is out of the question, we'll turn to the 
next amicable process. (Sit.) You two will divide the 
business ; each taking equal share of live customers, stock 
of pills on hand, an-d good will of the company. (As Net- 
tleton and Johns nod their heads.) You can then be rivals, 
and cut each other's throats at your own pleasure and con- 
venience ! 

Nettleton — Fine! I like that! 

Johns — So do I. It's great ! 

Vanderholt — Ah ! Now we are getting somewhere. 
Next question : which of you is to retain the name of the 
present concern? 

Nettleton — Naturally, I will 

Johns (jumping up, facing Nettleton) — What! and get the 
advantage of all our advertising? Now much, you don't! 

Nettleton — Why not? Didn't I originate the business — 
and build it up to what it is ? 

Johns — You built up the business ! Ha, ha — started it — 
yes — such a business as it was. All you had was a pill 
that wouldn't sell. 

Nettleton — And just because you came along with a 
measley five hundred dollars and a hideous purple coating, 
you think you've done it all ! 

Johns — I have ! 

Nettleton — You haven't — and I'll prove it. (Triumphant- 
ly.) I am the man who made the pills! 

Johns — And I am the man who made the public swalloiv 
them! 

( Sally begins to laugh, trying to check it by stuffing hand- 

31 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

kerchief in her mouth. All look at her, Nettleton steps 
over and regards her severely.) 

Nettleton — Miss Parker, leave the room. 

Johns — Miss Parker, do nothing of the kind. 

Vanderholt — Will you two sit down? 

Johns — I won't sit down. 

Nettleton — And I won't ! I want you to put that maniac 
out of my office ! i 

Johns — And I want you to get that baboon out of mine ! 

Nettleton — A-h-h-h-h-h ! (Turns away.) 

Vanderholt (turning away to L in utter disgust) — Oh, stop 
it, will you! Stop — it! 

Krome — You see, it's no use, sir, you'd better give it up ! 

Vanderholt — You watch me ! 

Nettleton (pointing angrily at Johns) — Pd give anything 
on earth I own to have that man in the only place he's fit 
for — or ever zvill be — a valet — to lay out my pajamas! 

Johns — And Pd like to have you as a servant — to black 
my shoes! 

Nettleton — Pm much more likely to black your eyes ! 

Johns (advancing angrily) — Try it! — and I'll lay you out 
— instead of your pajamas ! 

Vanderholt (coming between them) — Will — you — tzvo — 
infernal — idiots — shut — up! 

Nettleton — Van, keep out of this I 

Johns — That's right — keep out! 

Vanderholt (angrily) — I won't keep out! You are here 
to settle a business proposition and all you can do is to 
throw a baby bluff! 

Nettleton— Who ? Me ! 

Vanderholt — No, both of you ! All this rot about valets 
and servants and blacking boots, will you make me sick. 

Johns — Then why don't you settle it? 

Vanderholt — I would, if you two were sports enough to 
put it through. 

Johns — Pd put through anything. 

Nettleton — So would L 

Vanderholt — You would? Then come over here and sit 
down. (As they look at each other doubtfully.) Come on! 
Come on! (Johns and Nettleton sit R and L of table — 
Vanderholt stands behind it.) Now then, you won't have 
law or reason or common sense, so Pll give you something 
you can understand. Pll deal you each a hand of poker — 
cold — The man who wins will run this business for a year; 

32 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

the man who loses will be the other's servant for a year. 
Now! 

(They stare at each other mutely, he looks from one to 
the other.) 

Nettleton — What are you trying to do — kid us? (Turns 
away.) 

Johns — You're a hell of a lawyer! (Turns away.) 

Vanderholt — You've handed me a hell of a proposition; 
and even when I give you a sporting chance, you turn it 
down because neither of you has the grit to stand the gafif. 
(Turns away, bus with Krome.) 

Nettleton — If you mean that for me, I have as much 
grit as you have — any day ! 

Johns — And I have more than both of you. 

Nettleton (turning on him) — You! Ha, ha! You poor 
moon face, you wouldn't bark at a sick canary. 

Johns — Wouldn't, eh? How about youf When Van 
made his fool proposal, you were so afraid I'd take him 
up, I thought you'd faint! 

Nettleton — And if I had taken you, you'd have died — 
standing up ! 

Johns — Would I ? Well, I'll bet you a thousand dollars 
that you'd be the first to crawl ! 

Nettleton — Prove it! 

Johns — I will ! I'm game for Van's little hand of poker, 
just for the satisfaction of seeing you duck. Take me? 

Nettleton (waving him aside) — Aw, bluff — bluff! 

Johns (sharply) — Then call it! (As Nettleton again 
waves him off and turns away.) If I'm bluffing, call my 
bluff! 

Nettleton (desperately) — All right, I will. 

Vanderholt (quickly) — You're on! Both of you! (Turn- 
ing) Miss Parker, get your book! (As Nettleton and 
Johns look at him mutely.) We'll put this down in con- 
tract form and have no come-back. (As Nettleton and 
Johns turn to him as if in protest.) Now then! Who's to 
be the quitter? (Looking from one to the other.) Speak 
up! Don't mind me! Speak up! (As they scowl at each 
other, jerk out chairs and sit at either end of table.) Ready, 
Miss Parker? 

Sally (with stenographic book in her lap) — Yes, sir. 

Vanderholt — And don't you interrupt me. (Standing R, 
dictating.) This agreement, made and entered into this 
blank day of November, 1913, by and between George B. 

33 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton, party of the first part, and T. Boggs Johns, party 
of the second part 

Johns (rising quickly) — Hold on there! I decline — 
positively — to be known as the party of the second part! 
(Sits.) 

Nettleton — H'm ! Always the way with that pin-headed 
captain of industry ! Blocks everything. 

Vanderholt — Thanks, George. I'll make you the party 
of the second part. 

Nettleton — No, I'm hanged if you will. I wouldn't give 
him that much satisfaction. 

Vanderholt (running hands through hair) — Wlieweugh ! 
Miss Parker, strike that out! (Dictating.) This agree- 
ment, made and entered into this blank day of November, 
1913, by and between the parties zvJw have hereto set their 
hands and seals Witnesseth : Paragraph. Whereas, the par- 
ties hereto have found it impossible to continue as business 
partners, they hereby agree and do agree, as follows : Para- 
graph. To play one hand of show-down in a game which. 
for future legal reference, may be known as poker — (pacing 
up and down as he dictates) — and the loser in said game, 
for the term of one year from date hereof, shall become 
the household servant of the winner in said game ; the win- 
ner hereinafter to be known as the Master; and the loser 
hereinafter to be known as the Man, subject to the fol- 
lowing conditions. To wit — (Turning.) All right, boys? 

Johns — Fine ! 

Nettleton (dejectedly, wiping forehead) — Yes — that's 
splendid. 

Vanderholt — Good! (To Sally.) Clause One: and the 
Master shall have full and absolute control of all matters 
pertaining to the Eureka Digestive Pill Co., without stay, 
let, hindrance or process of injunction, on the part of the 
Man. (As Johns and Nettleton both rise in protest, Van 
holds out his hands to quiet them.) BUT — the Master shall 
credit the Man's account — with all income, commissions, 
or other moneys rightfully his — (as Nettleton and Johns 
sit) — and shall hold same, subject to deductions for bad 
behavior. 

Nettleton — Say, Van — what kind of bad behavior? 

Vanderholt — I'm coming to that. Clause Two: and the 
Man shall immediately enter the service of the Master, as 
his servant, valet or in such other capacity as may seem 
good and agreeable to the said Master's wishes or desires. 

34 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

(Johns grins, Nettleton looks troubled.) And further- 
more, the Man shall serve the Master with energy, diligence, 
respect and in all other acts of strict obedience, as are gen- 
erally accepted with the duties of a menial. (As Johns be- 
gins to laugh.) What's the matter? 

Johns — Excuse me, Van. I can't help it. You know, I'm 
to be married in June, and was just thinking how great it 
would be to start in housekeeping with Nettleton as our 
butler. (Laughing more heartily.) Anything we want 
done — we'll let George do it! Laughs.) 

(Nettleton reaches angrily for notary's seal, but Van 
stops him.) 

Van — Here you ! No assault and battery ! Hand over 
that weapon, George! (Taking seal and turning.) Last 
line. Miss Parker 

Sally — In all other acts of strict obedience as are gen- 
erally accepted with the duties of a menial. 

Van — But — for each and every violation of such acts, 
the Master may charge the Man's account in the sum of 
One Hundred Dollars forfeit. (Johns chuckles and rubs 
his hands, Nettleton mops neck with handkerchief.) It is 
understood and agreed, however, that the Master shall pay 
the Man, in addition to his board and lodging, the sum of 
Twenty Dollars per month, in wages. 

Nettleton — Oh, see here. Van; that's rather small, isn't it? 

Johns (magnanimously) — Oh, all right, I'll make it thirty. 

Vanderholt (to Sally)— Change it to thirty. Clause 
Three : the one other party to whom the conditions of this 
agreement may be made known, is Mrs. George B. Nettleton. 

(Nettleton sighs in relief and Johns rises quickly.) 

Johns — And where does Mrs. Nettleton come in? 

Vanderholt (turning to him) — In either case she's got 
to know ; whether George is your servant, or you his — 
What's the matter with you? 

Johns — Oh ! Then you've got to put in another clause 
to hold him down. 

Vanderholt — I'm going to. (To Sally.) It is understood 
and agreed, however, that should either of the parties here- 
to, or the wife of one of the parties hereto, make known 
the nature of this agreement to any other person, the of- 
fending party shall pay over to the aggrieved party — the 
sum of five thousand dollars — cash. 

Nettleton (rising) — No, that isn't fair. That makes me 
responsible for ten thousand to his five. 

35 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns — Not unless you and your wife both tell. What's 
the matter with you? 

V^anderholt — That's right, George. Keep quiet. (Net- 
tleton sits slowly — Van turns to Sally.) Clause Four: this 
agreement may at any time be annulled and cancelled, but 
only by mutual consent. And — should either party fail to 
faithfully fulfill the covenants herein contained, then such 
party shall forfeit to the other party — all his stock and 
other interests — in the Eureka Digestive Pill Company. 
(Johns whistles and Nettleton mops neck with handker- 
chief.) Clause Five: Mr. Thomas J. Vanderholt is herebv 
appointed as referee ; with power to decide all questions of 
dispute; and shall charge therefore — such fee or fees — as 
may, in his judgment, seem just and lawful. 

Johns — General \"illa ! 

Vanderholt. (He turns away and then back to Sally.) 
That's all. Three copies, please. And if you or Krome 
ever mention this agreement to anyone, you'll lose your 
jobs. (As Sally turns to desk, taking up blank sheet of 
paper and carbon, he turns to Nettleton and Johns.) Are 
you both entirely satisfied? 

Johns — I am. 

V^anderholt — And agree to sign it — before witnesses and 
under oath ? 

Johns — Sure. (Pointing to Nettleton who sits deject- 
edly.) But look at him! 

Vanderholt (turning) — Well, George — how about it? 

Nettleton (rising) — I — I won't do it — I'm married! 

Johns (jumping up with a happy laugh) — Ha, ha, ha, ha, 
ha! Now, isn't that the limit! He's married! (Turning 
to Nettleton.) Who's playing this game of poker, you or 
she? 

Nettleton — It isn't a square deal ! Oh, not on my ac- 
count ! but I've got to consider Mrs. Nettleton ! 

Johns — Oh, somebody warm his milk for him. and give 
him a little kiss! 

Nettleton (angrily) — Cut that, will you? (To Van, ap- 
pealingly.) Why — think of her position. Van, if I lost — 
and had to be a servant — to that little bow-legged imitation 
of a blufif ! 

Johns (sweetly) — Now don't you worry, Georgie dear, I 
have a large nature and am perfectly willing to take on 
Mrs. Nettleton as a parlor maid. 

Nettleton (furiously as he starts forward) — You 

36 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

(Krome takes Johns' arm, and \'an takes hold of Net- 
tleton.) 

Sally— Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! 

Vanderholt — Here, you! Here! (Pulling Nettleton back.) 
No rough house, or I'll whip the pair of you. "Johns," 
white hope. (Looking from one to the other.) You've 
got my proposition — take it or leave it! 

Johns — Oh, he'll leave it all right, all right. I knew he'd 
crawl ; but I didn't think he'd duck behind a petticoat. 

Nettleton (furiously) — That's a lie! And I'll show you, 
too! (Turning.) Here! Who's got a pack of cards! 

Krome — I have. (Takes pack from his hip pocket and 
advances to table.) I play solitaire with 'em on the New 
Rochelle Express. 

Vanderholt (taking them and shuffling) — Thanks. We'll 
deal quick, or they'll both quit. (Smiling at Johns and 
Nettleton.) Come on — and take your medicine. (As they 
scowl at each other and sit at either end of table, Sally 
comes forward behind table, looking on eagerly.) Here, 
Krome; you are honest and impartial. Cut! 

Krome — Yes, sir. (He cuts cards and Van takes them 
up.) 

Nettleton (nervously) — Well, well; What are you wait- 
ing for ? Deal 'em — hurry up ! 

Johns — Ha, ha ! Getting nervous ! Got him beat to start. 

Vanderholt — All right, boys ; here goes ! Senior partner 
first! (Deals five cards to each alternately, beginning with 
Nettleton. Business of the two men ^'skinning" hands and 
looking at each other.) 

Johns — Get your foot off my chair! 

Vanderholt — Well, George? How many cards? 

Nettleton (swallowing and discarding) — Three! 

Vanderholt — All right — put down your pair or whatever 
it is. 

Nettleton (holding two cards close to his breast and look- 
ing at Johns) — What are you? Pat! 

Johns — Never mind that! Put down your hand. (Dis- 
cards four cards.) 

Krome (as Nettleton lays cards on table) — Pair of sixes! 

(Johns laughs and Nettleton sinks back in chair.) 

Vanderholt— Well, T? What have you? 

Johns (holding up one card) — I'm holding one card — 
my lucky queen of Clubs, and three more ladies in the 
pack! (Laying it on table.) Deal! 

37 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

\'anderholt — Hold on — George first. 

Krome (calling denomination of cards as Van deals them 
out one at a time, face up.) Nine — three — eight! 

Vanderholt — Still a pair of sixes! (Johns laughs and 
Nettleton sinks lower in chair.) 

Johns (exultantly) — Oh, what a cinch to beat! Here! 
Gimme four! Just flip 'em out, old pal, I'm going to eat 
that butler up ! 

Vanderholt — Look out, T, the game's young yet! (Deals 
one at a time as before.) 

Krome — King 

Johns — Of hearts. Come on, you king or queen ! 

Krome — Jack ! 

Johns (rising in excitement) — Of hearts! Come on you 
Jack or queen ! 

Krome — Ace ! 

Johns — Of hearts ! Come on you little straight or flush — 
come on ! 

Krome (as last card is dealt) — Four! 

Sally— Of Spades ! 

Vanderholt to Johns) — Nothing! (Turning and holding 
out hand.) Good boy, George! 

(Johns stares at his cards, sinking slowly into seat. Net- 
tleton, for an instant, fails to realize his victory. He 
ignores Van's outstretched hand, pressing his own to 
his heart and rising slowly.) 

Nettleton — My God! I win! (A slow smile begins to 
overspread his features. He adjusts his coat and straight- 
ens himself.) Boggs ! Attend me! (Slight pause.) As 
my butler, the first little service I shall require of you — is 
to grow side whiskers ! 

(Johns tears cards in half and drop them to the floor.) 

Curtain. 



38 



A FAIR OF SIXES 



ACT II 

Scene : Home of Mr. Nettleton, two weeks later. Late 
afternoon. Living-room. At Rear is a wide stairivay, zvith 
turn, going to upper part of house. Right rear is entrance 
to house, through halhvay. Right of it a windozv zvith lace 
curtains and hangings. Right front is doorzvay leading into 
library. L a little to rear is doorzvay leading into servants' 
quarters. At C is table with several chairs. L fireplace. 
Wide settee in front of it, small table back of it. Room 
handsomely furnished. Lights up. 

Johns enters, in costume of a butler, zvearing dark side 
zvhiskers. He looks sad and depressed. He carries a 
waiter on which is a decanter, cyphon of vichy and glasses, 
which he places on table. He crosses to library and returns 
with a smoking jacket and a pair of slippers. Throws 
jacket into chair, and crosses to fireplace. Dashes slippers 
dozvn, then takes them up and places them before the fire to 
warm. Places hand to head, sighs, and sits dejectedly L. 
From L enter Coddle, the English maid of all work. She 
has her broom in her hand. 

Coddle (at door) — S-s-sh ! Mr. Boggs, sir. 

Johns (sitting up and turning) — Well, Coddle, what do 
you want? 

Coddle — Ho, come now, don't be cross. HT thought 
w'ilst h'everythink was quiet like, HT'd jus' run h'in an' 
'elp you with your work. (Come toward him. with a 
smile.) 

Johns — Keep away, will you ? Keep away ! 

Coddle (stepping back) — Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. H'l 
didn't mean no 'arm. But this 'ere h'ain't no man's work, 
h'any 'ow. I don't see w'y the marster makes ye do it. 

Johns — / do. (Taking up rag.) The precise removal 
of myscroscopic specks of dust from his personal posses- 
sions — is the chief component part of a butler's destiny. 

Coddle — Yes, sir. I don't know wot you mean, sir; but 
it's very likely. (She presses her hands to her bosom, look- 
ing at him in love-sick adoration.) 

Johns — Here! Stop grinning at me that way! (As she 
changes her expression and backs away.) What are you 
doing — sweeping — at this time of the afternoon ? 

Coddle — We's h'expectin' guests — for dinner, sir. 

39 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns (rises, starting) — Guests? For dinner? IVhoF 

Coddle — The marster, 'e just telephone, an' told me to 
tidy hup the spare room. 

Johns (grimly; sits on settee) — Guests! And a million 
to one — they know me ! (Mops his forehead with dust rag.) 

Coddle (advancing to side of settee) — Now don't you 
worry, sir, about the h'extra work. H'l'll 'ave the dishes 
'ot, an' ready for you to serve 'em. (As Johns turns his 
head away.) Ho, Mr. Boggs, sir, H'l don't believe you's 
'appy. 

Johns — No? Why not? 

Coddle (L. C. by settee) — Men folks can 'ide ther feel- 
ins in the day time, Mr. Boggs; but not h'at night. (As 
Johns looks up at her.) W'y, sir, I can 'ear you through 
the transom, a-moanin' an' acursin' in your sleep. (Lean- 
ing forward tenderly.) Mr. Boggs, sir — was you h'ever a 
married man? 

Johns (grimly) — Yes! Three times! 

Coddle — Was you now? W'y, dearie mr.' (Moves closer. 
Sits on settee.) 

Johns (jumping up and moving from her to C) — But 
I'll tell you one thing. Coddle — that three is just about 
my limit. Understand? 

Coddle (following and standing close) — Yes, sir. Thank 
you, sir. But, of course we h'always 'as the privilege of 
changin' of our minds. (He backs away as she advances. 
Coyly.) Mr. Boggs, sir — did you h'ever think of the dif- 
f'rince 'tween you an' me. 

Johns (C of table)— Eh? No, 1 didn't! How do you 
mean ? 

Coddle — In this 'ere 'ouse'old, you was h'engaged because 
you's 'andsome. But H'l was h'engaged — because I'm 
'omely. 

Johns (taking a step away) — Yes? What makes you 
think so? 

Coddle — Of course, nobody h'aint never told me, plump 
outright; but h'any one with 'arf h'an 'h'ye can see that 
the Missus 'as a jealous disposition. 'H'an sho ain't a-goin' 
to 'ave no good lookin' 'uzzues a-'angin' aroun' to attrack 
'er 'usband. 

Johns — Well, that's good logic, maybe ; but where do I 
come in ? 

Coddle — Ho, with you h'it's different. A handsome but- 
ler is a h'ornament. 

40 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns — H'm! That's what the master says I am. (Sits 
R of table.) 

Coddle (clasping hands and speaking pathetically) — Yes, 
sir. An' sometimes you looks mournful an' that sad, you 
puts me in mind of a piece of music. 

Coddle (as he throws the dust rag aside, she takes it, 
pressng it to her heart. Speaks lovingly) — An' w'en you is 
un'appy, it's because you'se lonesome. (Coming behind 
him.) An' h'if you would h'only let me rub your 'ead, 

sir — an' 'old your 'and (Reaches forward touching 

him.) 

Johns (springs up)— Coddle, you are sick! You need a 
doctor! You (Retreats to R, she following.) 

Coddle— No, no, sir, 'deed H'l don't! T'it hain't the 
stummick, Mr. Boggs, sir, h'it's the 'eart. (Still advanc- 
ing while he retreats in terror.) H'an h'if you h'only learn 
to care a weeny little bit, sir 

Johns — Stop it, will you! Keep away! Why, woman, 

you are raving crazy ! You (Glancing to rear.) Look 

out! Look out! 

Coddle (looking round)— Ho, Lud, h'it's 'im! (Runs to 
L and turns at door.) Mr. Boggs, sir— if you 'appens to 
change your mind, sir, I'm in the kitchen! (Giggles and 
exits.) 

(Johns comes to attention. Nettleton enters from R 
rear and advances to C. He carries two packages, one 
long and thin, the other flat and about eight inches 
square. He places them on table, and speaks haughtily.) 

Nettleton— Boggs ! My hat and stick ! (Hands hat, then 
cane. Johns takes them, making motion behind him as if 
to strike, Nettleton comes down L.) It is part of your 
duty to anticipate my wishes, without my being forced to 
continually call your attention to such trifling details. It is 
most annoying. (Pause.) Why don't you answer me? 

Johns — Yes, sir! 

Nettleton — Then please remember it. And get my smok- 
ing jacket. (Johns helps him on with jacket, in jerks.) 
Boggs ! you have missed your vocation, you should have 
hired out to a piano mover, 

Johns — I did. 

Nettleton — Now, Boggs, I'll have my slippers. (Johns 
takes them from fireplace, makes motion to hit him, then 
kneels in front of him and unbuttons shoes. Nettleton 

41 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

leans back luxuriously.) By the way, I noticed this morn- 
ing — that — er — shine you gave me — was purely superficial. 
If I remember right, our contract calls for energy and 
dilligence. (Glancing down at shoe.) Well! Are you 
going to take all night? Why don't you pull it ofif? (As 
Johns jerks it off.) Ouch! What the devil are you doing? 

Johns — You told me to pull it off, didn't you? 

Nettleton — I didn't tell you to pull oft" my foot with it. 
Get me a highball. And be quick about it. (Johns pours 
whiskey into glass, and adds vichy. Drinks behind Net- 
tleton's back and fills up glass with vichy, then hands it to 
Nettleton. Nettleton sips and leans back.) And where is 
Mrs. Nettleton? 

Johns (at C with shoes in his hands) — Been out all af- 
ternoon — calling. 

Nettleton (again sipping and leaning back) — A-h-h-h-h ! 
I tell you, Boggs, it's great to have a comfortable cozy 
home to come to after office hours. But then, as a suc- 
cessful business man, I believe that I deserve it. 

Johns (timidly) — I say, George (As Nettleton looks 

up sharply.) I mean, Mr. Nettleton (Looking at 

floor, then up.) Er — how is business? 

Nettleton — Great! (Enthusiastically.) Why, T, you'd 
hardly believe it, but since yoii left, I've just about doubled 
the business. It shows what system and intelligence can 
do. No disturbance. No noise — except the orders coming 
in. (Sips.) For the first time in years, I feel that I can 
do something. (Drinks.) Oh! That reminds me. I've de- 
cided to change the color of our pills. 

Johns — What? What? (Dropping shoes and speaking 
slowly as if dazed.) You are going to change the color 
of my pills? (Stepping forward.) Why, George! You 
don't mean that! You can't! 

Nettleton — Haven't I a right, according to the contract? 
(Taking paper from pocket and reading.) It gives me full 
and absolute control of all matter pertaining to the busi- 
ness ! (Smiles and replaces paper in pocket.) That's clear 
enough, isn't it? 

Johns (pathetically) — Yes, I know. But to change the 

color of my (Sinking into chair.) Why George — it's 

like the murder — of my only child. 

Nettleton (grinning) — Look here! Don't you think it 
about time to stop worrying over your descendants? 

42 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

(Pause.) That violet was a hideous color, anyhow. I've 
decided to change it to a polka dot. 

Johns (rises) — A polka dotted pill? For the Lord's 
sake, George 

Nettleton (checking him) — No argument.. I've proved 
it. The minute I advertised this change, the business 
jumped. (Drinks.) 

Johns (aside, gloomily) — Jumped! It's a wonder it 
didn't scream ! 

Nettleton — Oh, Boggs ! I forgot to tell you. I'm ex- 
pecting dinner guests this evening. 

Boggs — Who are they? 

Nettleton— What ? 

Johns (advancing, speaking in louder tone) — I said — 
who are they ? 

Nettleton — Boggs ! You mortify me ! Please remember 
your position — and the contract. (Turns to fireplace.) 

Johns — I do remember them — both ! But there's noth- 
ing in that contract that gives you the right to put me on 
exhibition — for the benefit of my former friends. 

Nettleton — There's nothing in it to the contrary. (As 
Johns turns away^ his hand to his head.) Must / consult 
the butler as to who are to be my dinner guests? (Smil- 
ing.) Besides, you'll be disguised — by your — or — side 
whiskers. Of course, they aren't very becoming to you, 
Boggs; but they answer their purpose — admirably. (As 
Johns doubles fist and advances.) Remember the contract. 
(As Johns stops, the door bell rings.) See who that it. 

Johns — All right! But I want to say this to you and 
Van. That contract is just about the most one-sided con- 
tract that was ever written. (Starts to R rear, and turns 
back.) And another thing! / — zvant — my — mail. 

Nettleton (loftily) — Your mail? 

Johns — My private letters — that come to the office ! And 
I'm going to have them ! 

Nettleton (holding up hand) — Boggs! Don't irritate me 
— with such a trivial matter. (Bell. Sternly.) Go see 
who's at that door. (John turns, jerks open the door and 
exits. Nettleton grins after him, and turns to telephone. 
In phone.) Hello! 6170 Lenox. (Again glancing toward 
door.) Poor old Boggsy ! But where ye sow, there also 
shall ye reap. (In phone.) Hello! Is that Mr. Van- 
derholt's home ? Oh ! Hello, Van ! How are you ? Fine ! 
Did you find you could make it for dinner this evening? 

43 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

(As Johns enters from R rear carrying a large bundle.) 
Good boy! Come right along over. I have a surprise for 
you. What? (Glancing at Johns.) No, I can't tell you 
over the phone. The servants are hanging around. Put 
on your Tux and hurry. Good-bye! (Hangs up receiver 
and sits at L.) Well, Boggs? What was it? 

Johns — Your — damned — laundry! (He takes the pack- 
age in both hands and throws it down on Nettleton's head. 
The package breaks and shirts and collars fell out.) 

Nettleton (springing up) — Why — you — you impertinent 
— say! Look here! (Taking out small note book.) Did 
you know this piece of work is going to cost you just one 
hundred dollars? (Starts to make memo.) 

Johns — Yes. I know it. But it's worth it. This is the 
first half minute of actual enjoyment I've had since I came 
into this house. 

Nettleton — Then I'll give you another. You pick up my 
shirts. 

Johns — With pleasure, sir. (Stoops and begins to collect 
articles, putting them in their wrapping.) 

Nettleton (in an injured tone) — A nice way to act — and 
after all my thoughtfulness — and consideration — of yoti. 
(Turning suddenly.) Do you know what day this is? 

Johns (coming down C after placing bundle on chair at 
rear) — No. I've lost track of the days, lately. 

Nettleton — It's the 24th of November. Your birthday. 

Johns — Ha, ha ! Many happy returns. 

Nettleton (X to table) — But since you behave as you do. 
you completely destroy my pleasure in the whole affair. 
There ought to be one day in the year when you and I bury 
the hatchet. 

Johns — Oh, well, if — if you feel that way, Tm with you! 
(Holding out hand.) I'm sorry, George! 

Nettleton (shaking hand and patting him on shoulder) — 
It's all right, T. We'll say no more about it. (Crossing 
to table.) Here's a little present I bought for you. It 
isn't much, but still 

Johns — A present for me? (Taking it.) That's aw- 
fully good of you, old chap ! Hanged if it isn't ! Why 

Nettleton — Oh, no — no! I'm glad to do it. (As Johns 
unwraps bundle.) I only hope it will be a comfort to you! 

Johns — Looks like an Easter lily. 

Nettleton — Ain't you going to open it? 

lohns (opening and disclosing a feather duster. He looks 

44 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

at it critically. Looking up) — What's the idea? (Holds 
it behind him.) 

Nettleton — Ah ! (Opening the flat, square bundle.) Here 
is the other part of our birthday celebration. (Opens bun- 
dle, disclosing a picture frame, containing three playing 
cards, and holds it up.) Two little sixes, and a torn queen. 
Aren't they cute? (Johns controls himself silently. Nettle- 
ton places picture on table.) Now then! I'll want you to 
dust this — carefully — twice a day. In the morning before 
you serve my breakfast, and in the afternooi;! — before I 
return from business. Understand? 

Johns — Yes. 

Nettleton— 6^fr.' 

Johns — Sir. 

Nettleton (loftily) — Very well. (Going to rear.) We'll 
dine this evening — at seven. (Going up steps and turning 
at landing.) And I trust you'll do nothing to mortify me 
before my guests. And Boggs — you may serve the cock- 
tails — here. (Exits.) 

(Johns looks after him mutely, then turns to the table, 
looking at picture, the feather duster in his hand.) 

Johns — It's going to cost me another hundred — BUT — 
(With the duster he strikes the picture, knocking it to the 
floor and breaking the glass. As he turns away, Mrs. Net- 
tleton enters from right rear, in street costume. She comes 
down L.) Good evening, Nellie! 

Mrs. Nettleton turning) — Oh! Good evening, T. (As 
she moves she stumbles over shoes.) My gracious! What 
a careless dear George is. (Stoops and picks up shoes. 
Johns comes forward to take them. She tries to pull them 
away.) T! You musn't do such things. Give them to me. 
(As he takes shoes, stepping back.) Why — why, don't you 

know it mortifies me when I see you as — as an actual 

(Turning away.) Oh, T, I'm ashamed. Why don't you 
and George stop all this nonsense? 

Johns — No ! I was the one who made a fool of myself. 
And I'm going through with it — if I turn purple, and bust ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Has George been — unkind to you again? 

Johns (airly) — Oh, no! He was particularly pleasant 
this evening. 

Mrs. Nettleton (coming to him) — Which means you are 
telling a beautiful, splendid fib. 

Johns — Not at all. There were any number of little 

45 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

things he forgot to put over. Shall I tell him you are here? 
(Starts away.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — No! No! (Following him and stopping 
him.) Oh, T! I'm sorry for this — indeed, I am — and I'm 
doing all I can to — to make it easier for you. 

Johns — Thank you, Nellie. You're a brick ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — No, I'm not. But I am using all my 
influence w^ith George to — to make him less exacting. Why, 
T 

Nettleton (calling from upstairs) — Hello, sweetheart! 
Are you there ? 

Mrs. Nettleton (to Johns)— S-h-h-h-h! (Going to rear 
and calling, while Johns goes to L.) Yes, darling! I've 
just come in. (To Johns, in undertone.) Don't let him see 
you talking with me. It — it might affect my influence. 

Johns (by settee) — But, Nellie. There's just one thing. 

Mrs. Nettleton (Glancing up the stairs, then back to him.) 
— What is it ? 

Johns — If you really have any influence with him, let 
Coddle serve the dinner this evening. I'll stay in the kitchen 
and cook. I know how to boil potatoes and fry a steak — 
I 

Nettleton (upstairs) — Nellie! 

Mrs. Nettleton — S-h-h-h-h! (Mrs. Nettleton comes quick- 
ly down C, and Nettleton descends the stairs.) 

Johns (at door) — Oh Lord! If I could fry him! 
(Exits L.) 

Nettleton (coming down steps) — Well, well, well! Here 
you are at last! (Kissing her.) Where have you been so 
late ? 

Mrs. Nettleton (releasing herself) — Well, I had such a 
terrible lot of calls to make I forgot the time completely. 

Nettleton — I see. I was getting quite worried about you. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Were you? 

Nettleton — I should think I was. (Taking her by the el- 
bow, looking into her eyes.) For the last half hour I've 
been sitting at the window, watching every woman who 
came along. 

Mrs. Nettleton (withdrawing, speaking a little sharply) — 
What? 

Nettleton — I — I mean — watching for 3-0;^. You know 
what I mean. (Turning away with a careless shrug:) 
These other women — Oh ! Merely disappoinments. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Sure? 

46 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton — Of course, I am! (Taking her arm and lead- 
ing her to L.) Now, come right over here — and we'll sit 

dov/n by our own bright fire, and (Stops and looks 

down at floor.) Excuse me — just a minute. (Picks up 
broken picture, places it on table, and takes out note book 
and pencil.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (sitting L) — What is it, dear? 

Nettleton — Nothing. Only our Boggs is growing care- 
less. I'm making a charge on his office account, and a de- 
duction — for breakage — against his wages. 

Mrs. Nettleton (as he places book in pocket and sits be- 
side her.) — George, why is it you are so — so harsh with T? 

Nettleton — Ha, ha, I? What nonsense. It is merely 
wholesome discipline. 

Mrs. Nettleton (shaking a finger at him) — That's just 
what I mean. T is a human being, and you are not in the 
least considerate of him. He's so miserable and wretched 
all the time, that 

Nettleton — Wait ! Has that fellow been trotting to you 
with his troubles? 

Mrs. Nettleton — No, he hasn't ! But I can see it — in 
the poor boy's face! It's not kind of you, darling; no, not 
one bit. And the reason I thought of it, was this. (Opens 
hand bag and takes out telegram.) 

Nettleton — A telegram, eh? We'll read it together. (As 
she unfolds it.) What does it say? 

Mrs. Nettleton (reading) — Will arrive this afternoon, 
six fifteen. Love, Florence. (Turning.) 

Nettleton — Now / know all about that telegram. / wrote 
to Florence, several days ago. Asked her to run down and 
spend a week with us. Told her you would be delighted. 

Mrs. Nettleton (in consternation) — With usf But, 
George, dear ! We cant' have her — here! 

Nettleton — Why not? She's one of your most intimate 
friends. I thought you'd be glad to have her. 

Mrs. Nettleton — I would — under ordinary circumstances; 

but you don't seem to (Earnestly.) Why, don't you 

know that T is head over heels in love with Florence Cole? 

Nettleton (rising) — Yes, I know it. That was my reason 
for inviting her. 

Mrs. Nettleton — George! (She looks at him reproach- 
fully, rising.) But she'll see him — here — as your butler — 
and, naturally, you'll have to explain it. 

47 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettlcton — And pay five thousand for the prvilege. Not 
much ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Very well ; then I'll explain it. 

Nettleton (quickly) — Oh, no, you don't! I don't pro- 
pose to pay five thousand for you, please remember the 
contract. 

Mrs. Nettleton — But somebody's got to tell her. If you 
can't and / can't, why, then poor T will have to do it. 

Nettleton (smiling) — Oh, well, that's different. T has 
more reason to explain. Besides, I can use his five thousand 
very nicely. 

Mrs. Nettleton (in earnest reproach) — Oh, George! It 
isn't fair! It's cruel ! It's — ah! (Turns away.) 

Nettleton — Look here, Nellie ! Why are you always tak- 
ing up for himF 

Mrs. Nettleton (turning on him) — Because I have a 
heart ! Because you never had a right to make that horrid 
contract. 

Nettleton — He forced me into it. Yes, he did ! For 
three years that fellow made my life a curse; and now I'm 
going to make his life a curse — for just one year from date 
thereof. 

Mrs. Nettleton — But, oh, how can you? 

Nettleton — Oh, I guess I can, all right. And then there's 
Van. He's in love with Florence, too. (Taking picture 
from table to R of table.) Good old \^an helped me when 
he dealt me this pair of sixes; and now, by Jupiter, I'm 
going to fix things up for Jiim. 

Mrs. Nettleton (angrily. X to table) — And what of mef 

Nettleton (in astonishment) — Of youf 
and I had been that queen who is torn in half ! (Sits down, 
half crying, L of table.) 

Nettleton — But, Nellie — darling 

Mrs. Nettleton — And — you — risked — me! (Crying.) I've 
never quite forgiven you for that ! And I never will ! Most 
women would have never rested till they had gotten even, 
and I don't know but what I shall, too ! (Dabs at her eyes.) 

Nettleton (back of chair, trying to pacify her) — But, 
Nellie — my precious little 

Mrs. Nettleton — Don't talk to me ! Don't argue with me. 
You know I'm nervous. You 

Nettleton (turning away, sharply) — All right, all right, 
I won't! 

(Door bell rings, and Mrs. Nettleton gives a long sob.) 

48 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Mrs. Nettleton — A-h-h-h-h-h ! There's Florence now — 
and what are we going to do — oo — oo — oo — oo ! 

Nettleton (X to R) — Don't let her see you crying. Run 
up to your room. 

Mrs. Nettleton (weeping) — I won't! You want to get 
rid of me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e ! 

Nettleton — All right ! Then stay where you are ! (Turns 
away, gritting his teeth.) 

(Enter Johns from L crossing to door at R. Mrs. Net- 
tleton sees him and turns in dread.) 
Mrs. Nettleton — George! 

Nettleton (going up R, and intercepting Johns at door) — 
Never mind, Boggs, I'll answer it. 

Johns (stepping back in amazement) — What! You? 
Nettleton — Well? Can't I answer my own door bell? 
What's the matter with you? Clear out! (Door bell rings 
again.) 

(Johns looks at him, turns on heel and goes out L, slam- 
ming door. Nettleton turns and starts to stride after 
him.) 
Mrs. Nettleton — George ! 

(Nettleton stops, looks at her, then takes out his note 
book, making an entry as he goes to door R. Exits. 
Mrs. Nettleton, half sobbing, reaches for her hand bag, 
takes out mirror and powder puff, and begins to repair 
the effects of her tears. Half sobbing. Dabs her face 
and eyes, fusses with a stray lock or two, then smiles at 
herself in mirror. Smiles at herself again, replaces ar- 
ticles in bag, as Nettleton enters with Florence, he 
carrying suit-case, which he brings down to table.) 
Nettleton — Here she is, darling. Here she is ! 
Mrs. Nettleton (turning to Florence in radiant cordial- 
ity ) — Why — Floren ce ! 

Florence (running forward, embracing and kissing her) 
— Why, Nellie ! You dear old thing ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Fm so glad you've come! Fve just been 
longing for you from the minute I asked dear old George to 
write you. 

(Nettleton registers.) 

Florence — Have you ? Lovely ! And how zvell you're 
looking! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Am I? And how well you are looking! 
Florence (laughs and turns) — And how well dear old 

49 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

George is looking. (Crossing to him R, of table down.) 
Shall I kiss him, too? 

Mrs. Nettleton — What! (As Florence turns.) Why, 
certainly — if you like. (Turns away.) Well — of — all — 

the (At sound of a loud kiss she turns quickly.) 

George ! 

(He laughs foolishly, she trying to join him.) 

Florence — There! (Plumping herself into chair L of 
table.) Nozv I feel at home. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yes — ha — ha! So it seems. But since 
you are at home, I won't make company of you. I'm go- 
ing up to dress for dinner. 

Florence — To dress ! Good gracious, my trunk isn't here, 
and I haven't a single thing! Are there going to be guests 
for dinner? 

Nettleton — No, no, no. Just home folks. Van is com- 
ing over. 

Florence — Van? Oh, well, I don't mind him. (Sitting 
herself back in chair.) Will Mr. Johns be here? 

Mrs. Nettleton (taken by surprise) — Mr. Johns? 

Florence — I've written him seven times, and haven't heard 
one solitary word. Not even when I wired him ! 

Nettleton (laughing behind his hand) — Ha. ha, ha, ha, ha! 
Yes, he'll be here ! 

Florence — Has he been at the office? 

Nettleton — Well, no! He's been on a sort of — holiday! 

Florence — Oh ! Where did he go ? 

Nettleton (smiling) — He didn't say! 

Florence (turning) — What is it, George? Oh, / know! 
(Smiling and beckoning to them with either hand. You 
and Nellie are giving a birthday dinner — to dear old T. 

Nettleton (moves down R, rubbing his chin and grinning) 
— Ha, ha, that's it. Especially for dear old T. 

Florence — Well? What's that joke? 

Nettleton — Nothing. Only, with Van and T both clam- 
mering for your heart and hand. I was wondering how 
you'd manage them. 

Florence (rising) — Nonsense! They are just two silly 
boys, and I don't care a fig for either. 

Mrs. Nettleton (catching Florence's hand, looking at 
ring) — No? 

Florence (jerking hand away) — Stop it! That ring was 
given me by my own, own luicle — as a consolation for be- 

50 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

ing an old maid. (Laughs and holds out hand.) Think 
it's pretty? 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yes, beautiful ; but we are wasting time. 

You talk to George while I dress, and (Turning and 

seeing Florence going toward him.) I mean — suppose you 
come along with me, dearest, and we'll have a nice, old- 
fashioned chat. 

Florence (going to rear) — Oh, all right. Splendid. 
Come along. (Starts up stairs, humming happily.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (to Nettleton, with side-long glance) — 
H'm ! Enjoyed your little kiss ! Didn't you ! 

Nettleton (up back of table) — S-h-h-h ! She'll hear you! 
(Aloud.) Well, run along, girls. I've got to come up, too — 
to shave. 

Florence (turning on landing) — Good! And if Nellie 
doesn't mind — I'll hold your shaving mug. (Exits laugh- 
ing-) 

(Nettleton takes up Florence's suit-case, and starts for- 
ward. Mrs. Nettleton, on stairs, checks him, drawing 
herself up, haughtily.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — I think, Mr. Nettleton, you- had better 
shave in the bath room. (Takes satchel out of his hand 
and goes up.) 

(Nettleton looks after her, then turns as Johns enters 
from L with a scuttle of coal, going to fireplace. Net- 
tleton looks down at him, laughs and goes up.) 

(Florence is heard to laugh off stage. Johns starts, goes 
up stage, looks up stairs, then turns, coming down in 
troubled thought.) 

Johns — My God! That laugh! (Passing hand through 
hair.) Oh, hut it coiddn't he \ It coiddn't! 

(Enter Coddle from L. Holds one hand behind her.) 

Coddle— S-h-h-h-h ! Mr. Boggs, sir ! 

Johns (starting and turning sharply) — Well? What is it? 

Coddle — I got a secret for you, sir, (As Johns moves 
away from her in alarm.) Ho, it hain't about me, sir. 

Johns (relieved) — Oh! 

Coddle — A gentleman come hup just now from Mr. Net- 
tleton's office, sir. But 'e couldn't wait. 

Johns— Well ? 

Coddle — It was about your mail. 

Johns (sharply) — What's that? 

Coddle — Yes, sir. 'E says that hevery bother day 'he's 

51 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

been a-puttin' 'em on the niarster's desk — thinkin' as 'ow 
the marster would bring 'em 'ome to you. 

Johns (who has been registering his sugar silently) — And 
he held back my mail! My letters! (With doubled fists 
turning toward stairs.) Well, contract or no contract, 
I'm 

Coddle (running after him and throwing arms about him) 
— Ho, Mr. Boggs, sir. Mr. Boggs, sir — don't! 

Johns (breaking her hold) — Keep away, will you! Keep 
away! (Seeing letters in Coddle's hand.) Ah! You'z'e 
got them ! My letters ! Give 'em here ! 

Coddle (eluding him and getting behind table) — Ha, he, 
he, he, he. (Coyly.) Wot's they worth to you, Mr. 
Boggs, sir. He, he, he, he, he. 

Johns (trying to reach across table) — Worth nothing! 
Hand 'em over ! 

(Coddle drops letters on table and steps back, watching 
Johns, who seized letters and begins looking over them 
hurriedly, still showing his anger.) 

Coddle (beginning to whimper mournfully) — I knowed 

they was from another woman (Dabbing at her eyes 

with corner of apron, while Johns tears open letter and 
begins to read.) I knowed by the color of 'em — and the 
sweet smell of 'em — that they come from some young 
'ussy. (Wails.) 

Johns (looking up from letters in irritation) — No! They 
don't! They come from my — my oldest daughter. (Re- 
turns to reading.) 

(Coddle's wail subsides. Her features slowly spread into 
a grin of happiness.) 

Coddle — Do they now! Dearie me! (Begins to edge 
over toward him.) Hexcuse me, sir; but I just want to 
h'arsk you somethink — most particular. 

Johns (crossly) — Oh, what is it? 

Coddle — This 'ere. (Clasping her hands and looking at 
him appealingly.) Wot hever become of them three lydies. 

Johns (bewildered, his hand to his forehead) — Three 
ladies. H7iaMhree ladies? 

Coddle — W'y, them wot you was married to — h'at . dif- 
ferent times, sir. 

Johns— Oh! Those (Sternly.) Coddle— I'll tell you. 
They come to violent ends. All of them ! 

Coddle — Did they, now? Dearie, me. But hif H'l 'ad 
been one of them Mrs. Boggses, sir, w'y 

52 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns — Hold on there! (Pointing linger at her.) — Do 
you know what became of the last one — the third unhappy 
Mrs. Boggs? 

Coddle— No, sir. Wot? 

Johns — I hung her up by her heels and skinned her. 

Coddle (blinking) — Yes, sir. Very likely, sir. An' I'll 
bet you a tuppence she jolly well deserved it. (As Johns 
raises hands in despair and turns from her, she follows 
him, clasping her hands.) But hif H'l 'ad been that 'ere 
Mrs. Boggs, sir, an' 

Johns (turning away) — Oh, hell, what is the use? 
Get out! 

Coddle (looking at him reproachfully, then turning to 
L) — My conscience! Some men h'is hawful 'ard to take a 
'int, an' that one — my Gawd — you got to 'it 'im with a 
'atchet. (Exits at L.) 

(Johns is tearing open his letters. BELL. But he pays 
no heed.) 

Johns (choking with rage as he looks at letter) — Written 
on the eighteenth. And this is the twenty-fifth ! 

(BELL.) 
' . Nettleton (calling from upstairs) — Boggs! You Boggs! 
(As Johns starts and turns.) Why the devil don't you 
answer that door bell ! 

Johns (going to foot of stairs and bawling) — Because I 
thought you had taken on that job yourself! 

Nettleton — Well, you count that as another hundred — for 
impertinence — and see who's at my door! 

Johns (furiously) — All right. (Turns and jerks the door 
open.) 

(Enter Vanderholt, in dinner dress.) 

Vanderholt — Oh ! Hello, T ! How are you ? It took 
you so long to answer the bell. I walked right in. Well, T, 
this is a bit rough on you. A little service, Boggs. (Taking 
off overcoat and hat, handing them to Johns who makes no 
reply to his salutation, then crossing to table and pours him 
self a drink.) Ah! This does look cozy. (Turns to Johns 
cheerfully.) Well, T? How goes it? 

Johns (advancing with determination) — I'm rather glad 
to see you — and by yourself. 

Vanderholt (sippng highball) — You flatter me. What's 
the secret? 

Johns — It isn't a secret. It's pretty well wide open. I 
want that contract cancelled, and I want it done now. 

53 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt (in astonishment) — Cancel your contract? 
Ha, ha. Ask me something easy. (Sits.) 

Johns — I don't ask it, I demand it! 

Vanderholt — Now see here, T. You know perfectly well 
— that agreement can only be annulled by mutual consent. 

Johns — Not when yon drew it? 

Vanderholt — No. 

Johns — And you call yourself a lawyer. 

Vanderholt — Well, I manage to make a living. 

Johns — And how ? By drawing up illegal contracts. 

\^anderholt — What's that? And why is yours illegal? 

Johns — Because all the covenants are on one side. And 
any court will see it. 

Vanderholt (shrugging) — All right, then. If I don't 
know my business, suppose you consult some other lawyer. 

Johns — I can't. If I told a lawyer — or anybody else — it 
would cost me live thousand dollars — cash. You put that 
in, as a special clause. 

Vanderholt — And you signed the agreement. You go 
into a thing because you think you've got the big, soft end ; 
but when you find you haven't you put up a howl. If you 
don't like the contract — break it. 

Johns — And forfeit all my interest in the business ! An- 
other of your infernal clauses ! That's the way you've tied 
me up! That's what you have done to me. But I'll tell 
you there are two things that are not in the contract. 

Vanderholt (turning quickly) — Good Lord! Did I forget 
something? What are they? 

Johns — First, my personal mail. George has been holding 
it at the office ; and no matter what it costs me, I'm — going 
— to — punch — liis — nose! 

Vanderholt— Oh ! Held your mail, did he? Well, T? 
I agree with you. That isn't exactly fair. I'll speak to 
George about it. What's your other grievance? 

Johns — Florence ! 

Vanderholt (stepping toward him) — Florence? Well? 
What about Florence? 

Johns (pointing finger) — You arranged for Nellie to 
know about the contract, and you've got to arrange for 
Florence to know. 

Vanderholt— Why? 

Johns — Because you've put me in a hole. I can't even 
unite to her without lying; and I'm not going to lie to her. 

54 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt (thoughtfully)— U'm — I see. Well — if that's 
what you want, you'll have to arrange it with George. 

Johns — Meaning — that you won't do it ! 

Vanderholt — No — I won't. (Turns away.) 

Johns (angrily) — And I know why. Because you 
planned it ! Deliberately ! To put me out of the running, 
and get the inside track yourself ! 

Vanderholt (wheeling sharply) — Hold up, there! Don't 
make me lose my temper! You had a fair deal, didn't you? 
And an outside party cut the cards. Suppose you had won, 
and George had been your butler. 

Johns — Wouldn't Florence have wanted to know why? 
That's what I claim! You've jobbed me! Got me going 
or coming! But I know a way to force you to tell her — 
and I won't break the contract either. 

Vanderholt — How ? 

Johns — I'm going to telegraph Florence — today — saying 
I am safe and well ; and for further information, please 
apply to Mr. Thomas J. Vanderholt, Referee. 

Vanderholt — Wha (Advancing.) Oh, no you don't ! 

You 

Johns (checking him) — And when that little lady comes 
down from Albany — it's nighty-night for you! (As Van 
paces thoughtfully, making no answer.) Well? Will you 
tell her? 

Vanderholt (facing him) — No! My interest in Miss 
Florence is a personal matter not mentioned in the con- 
tract. (Checking Johns as he starts to speak.) But if 
you give information leading toward the contract — it would 
be equivalent to a direct violation. 

Johns — It wouldn't at all ! It 

Vanderholt (checking him) — In your opinion. But as 
Referee, with powers to decide all questions of dispute, I'm 
afraid I should decide the point against you. (Smiles and 
turns away.) 

Johns — All right ! Then I'll find some other way to get 
you, if it lands me in a hospital. (Raising his clenched 
fists.) And as for George B. Nettleton 

Nettleton (calling from upstairs) — Boggs ! (As Johns in- 
voluntarily comes to attention.) Is that Mr. Vanderholt 
down there? 

Vanderholt (laughing at Johns and calling up to Nettle- 
ton) — Yes, Hello, George! How are you? 

55 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton — Tip top, thanks. Be down in a minute. Tell 
Boggs to mix the cocktails ! 

(Johns lifts his hands in despair and crosses to L. Van- 
derholt turns to him with a smile.) 

Vanderholt — Boggs, your master's voice. By the way, T. 
(As he pauses.) Of course, you understand — there'll be a 
nominal fee of fifty dollars — for legal consultation. 

Johns — What! (Advancing furiously.) I won't pay it! 
You get that? I won't! What do you and George think 
I am? A gold mine? 

Nettleton (appearing on stairs and stopping suddenly) — 
Why, Boggs! (Slight pause.) How dare you assume that 
attitude toward my guests? Remember your position. 
(Sternly, pointing L.) Go get those cocktails! 

Johns — All right ! But say ! And get out your little red 
book. I'm going through with that contract, no matter 
what you do to me. But in one year — if I'm still alive — 
Fm going to crazvl all over you! Both of you. (Exits 
Johns at L.) 

(Nettleton comes down stairs, laughing as he makes mem- 
orandum in book.) 

Vanderholt (laying hand on Nettleton's shoulder. Sob- 
erly) — George! Aren't you a little — rough on him? 

Nettleton (airily) — Oh, no! One always has trouble 
with one's servants. I'm merely — training him. 

Vanderholt — Well, he has got grit ! Come on, now. Give 
the devil his dues. 

Nettleton (X to L) — I do. He's pretty rank. I will ad- 
mit ; but he's a much better butler than he is a business man. 

Vanderholt (laughing) — All right. It's not my funeral. 
What's the little surprise you had for me? 

Florence (appearing at head of stairs) — Oho! Good eve- 
ning, Mr. Vanderholt ! 

Vanderholt (turning in delighted surprise) — Why, Miss 
Florence! (Running up two or three steps and meeting 
her as she comes down.) This is a pleasure! (Shaking 
her hands and bringing her down.) When did you get 
to town ? 

Florence — Just came. And right on time for T's birth- 
day party. (As Vanderholt registers his alarm, looking at 
George.) Well? What is it? 

Vanderholt (a trifle nervously) — Oh, nothing — nothing 
— ha, ha — only — I was so pleasurably astonished at seeing 
you, that it knocked everything out of my head. 

56 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Florence — Oh, you flatterer! (Turning.) George! Is 
there anything I can put my violets in? (Goes to mantel, 
looking for vase.) 

Nettleton — Why, certainly. (Crossing.) I'll ring for 
the butler! (Crosses and touches bell.) 

(Vanderholt again registers his alarm and sneaks into 
library.) 

Florence — No, no, no — don't trouble. Here's something. 
(Takes vase from mantel and turns without seeing Van's 
retreat. She goes to table and squirts vichy into vase.) 

Nettleton — No trouble, I assure you. In fact, it will be 
a pleasure to him. (Stands behind right of stairs.) 

(Enter Johns with tray of cocktails. He comes straight 
into room, then turns, seeing Florence. He cries out, 
drops tray and stands staring at her.) 

(Florence turns at his exclamation, and for a moment 
stares at him blankly.) • 

Florence — T! (Pause.) Tl (Pause. Nettleton begins 
going up stairs backward, looking down in enjoyment.) 
What does this mean? (Pause.) Those awful clothes! 
(Sharply.) And those horrible side whiskers! Where 
have you been? 

Johns (dejectedly) — Here — for two weeks. 

Florence — Here? But I heard you were on a holiday. 

Johns — Holiday. Ha, ha. 

Florence — What! You were neither away nor at your 
office, and never told me a single thing? (Coming to him.) 
Then tell me now. 

Johns — Florence (He turns to her impulsively, 

stops and turns away.) 

Florence — Oh, T, what is it? I haven't had one line or 
word, and I've just been waiting — waiting! 

Johns — Um — yes. So have I. 

Florence — But how — why? Darling — tell me — please. 

Johns — Florence — I can't. 

Florence (stepping back) — You mean — you won't! (As 
he makes no answer.) Then I'll find out. (Turning and 
calling as George disappears at head of stairs.) George! 
Van! Where are you? (Looking about in bewilderment.) 
Darling! What can it mean? Is there anything you could 
conceal from me? (Coming to him and putting arms about 
him.) Don't you know I love you — with all my heart? 
And I've been worrying till I'm almost ill. And the mo- 
ment George wrote me, asking me to come 

57 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns (releasing himself quickly) — What's that? George 
wrote you — asked you — hereF (Starting for stairs with 
doubled fists.) Oh, wait till I get hold of him! 

Florence (intercepting him.) — Darling! Don't! Please 
listen. 

Johns — He did it — on purpose! 

Florence — Did what? You tell me nothing, and I'm all 
upset. No answers to my letters — no answer to me — the 
woman who is to be your wife. (Pathetically.) And I 
find you here — in buttons — and a pair of unspeakable 

monkey whiskers (Hopefully.) Oh! Oh! It's a 

joke! Tell me — isn't it? 

Johns (sadly) — A joke? No, Florence — that's the worst 
guess you've made yet. 

Florence (drawing back.) — Oh, I see. Then it's some- 
thing you're ashamed of? 

Johns (turning resolutely) — No, I'm not ashamed. And 
if you'll only trust me — and wait for me 

Florence — How long? 

Johns — Er — eleven months and two weeks. 

Florence — Eleven mon — I won't ! I want to know now. 
(He again makes a movement as if about to tell her, stops 
and turns away. Florence takes a more severe tone.) 
Don't carry this too far. The Lord didn't give me a red 
head merely as a mark of beauty; and if you're trying — 
willfully — to make me angry or humiliated 

Johns — Florence ! 

Florence (with change of tone) — No, no, no — forgive 
me ! I've been so happy — loving you — and trusting you. 
Won't you trust me — and tell me — everything? 

Johns — I'm — sorry — Florence . . . but, I can't ! 

(As he shakes his head miserably, she changes her tone 
to one of coolness.) 

Florence — Very well, Mr. Johns. Since you've brought 

it on yourself, there's just one thing for me to do 

(Turning from him.) As hard as it is to do it (She 

bites her lips, takes off her ring, crosses to him and puts 
it into his hand.) Here! Take it! (Pushes his hand 
away, turns and crosses to R, crying.) 

Johns (quietly) — Thank you. (Crosses to L, turns and 
looks at ring.) This is the first little thing — of actual 
value — that has come my way — for two whole weeks. 
(Exit L.) 

Florence — Oh, it can't be true ! It can't ! It's too im- 

58 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

possible! (Crossing toward door L.) T darling! T! I 
didn't mean it. Won't you please come back? (Enter 
Johns with dust pan and brush, comes to C while Florence 
moves back of lounge, looking at him in wonder. He stoops, 
takes up broken glass in pan and exits without looking at 
her. Florence looks after him.) For the love of Mike ! 
(Sharply.) Oh! How perfectly disgusting! (She turns, 
runs up to first landing of stairs and calls.) George! 
George Nettleton ! You come down here — at once! (She 
comes down to table C, showing her excitement. Nettle- 
ton comes downstairs, followed by Mrs. Nettleton.) Now, 
George — and you, too, Nellie — I want to know — immed- 
iately — what this means ! 

Nettleton — Goodness ? Why the excitement ? What 
what means ! 

Florence — There's no use trying to evade me. Sit down — 
(Nettleton sits.) Both of you! 

Mrs. Nettleton (elevating her brows) — And — in — my 
house ! 

Florence — Sit down! (As both sit.) Now! Why is it 
I find — one of my personal friends — as a butler in your 
household? (She looks from one to the other.) 

(Vanderholt enters from library and comes forward.) 

Vanderholt — Miss Florence ; if you'll permit an out- 
sider to — er 

Florence — Never mind now ! Will \^ou please sit down, 
too? 

Vanderholt (taken aback) — Eh? Oh, ha, ha — Yes, cer- 
tainly — with pleasure! (Taking seat.) What's the trouble, 
George ? 

Florence — H'm ! Another Mr. Innocence! (Turning.) 
Now, George Nettleton, I want my question answered. 

Nettleton (while Mrs. Nettleton looks nervous) — Well, 
Florence — Fd like to — really, but to tell you the truth, 
there is only one person I know of — who can afford to 
answer. 

Florence — You mean T? Fve asked him. 

Nettleton (leaning forward hopefully) — What? He told 
you? 

Florence — No, he didn't! 

Nettleton — Oh — what a pity! (Leans back disappoint- 
edly.) 

Florence — But you seem to lose sight of the fact — all 
three of you — of the most important point. As for Mr. 

59 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns, he means nothing to me — Ab-so-lutely — nothing! 
(As all three register their astonishment and relief.) I'm 
demanding this explanation — not on his account — but mine! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yours? 

Nettleton (rising) — Oh, well, Florence; in that case 

(Mrs. Nettleton also rises, and all three speak together in 
ad lib lines. Van looks on enjoying it.) If you are not 
•personally interested in T, what difference does it make 
whether he's a butler or not? 

Mrs. Nettleton — Now just don't worry about it, darling. 
Everything will all come out right, and as soon as I can 
tell you, I will. 

Florence (at same time) — I don't care. There's some- 
thing wrong about it, and I tell you I am going to find out. 

(They all stop suddenly and a pause ensues, as Johns 
enters from L, carrying a waiter on which are four 
cocktails. He passes tray to Mrs. Nettleton ; she takes 
one, handing another to Florence, who moves back 
regarding Johns in wonder and contempt. Johns pass- 
es tray to Van.) 

Vanderholt (taking glass) — Thank you, T. (As Johns 
passes tray to Nettleton, who refuses.) Better take one, 
George; you need it. (Nettleton takes one, holding it in 
hand. All look at Johns as he exits solemnly at L. Van 
raises glass.) Well — here's to the ladies. (No one drinks, 
and he turns to Nettleton.) What's the matter, George? 
Aren't you indulging? 

Nettleton (smelling cocktail and putting it on table.) — 
Not that one. I don't like the looks of it. 

(Van also looks at cocktail, then puts it on table.) 

Florence (putting her glass on table.) — Now, if you 
please, we'll continue. I was about to say that not one of 
you seems to realize — this insult to me. 

Mrs. Nettleton (rising) — Insult? 

Vanderholt (rising) — To you? 

Nettleton (rising) — How? 

Florence (angrily) — Sit down. By inviting me here — 
both you and Nellie — for the sole purpose of seeing me 
mortified — and shamed! 

Mrs. Nettleton (in a pathetic injured tone) — Why, dar- 
ling, how unjust you are. / didn't ask you. My husband 
did ! And I never knew one single thing about it — till I 
got your telegram ! 

Florence (turning to her) — No? And not half an hour 

60 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

ago — to quote your own exact words — you had just been 
longing for me— from the very first minute you asked dear 
old George to write me. ' (Turning away.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (pathetically, as she holds out cocktail 
glass)— George! Take the horrid thing! (Nettleton rises 
and gets glass, and places it on table with the others.) I've 
spilt it all over my brand new gown! 

Florence— And I'm glad you did! I'm also glad that I 
haven't broken bread under this hateful roof! And now, 
George Nettleton, I'm going to a hotel! (Starts upstairs.) 

Vanderholt (rising)— One minute, Miss Florence! If 
you'd only- 



Florence— Never mind, Mr. Vanderholt. From your 
look of cherubic innocence, I think you are in it, too. 

Vanderholt— I ? (Expostulating.) Oh, come now, Miss 
Florence. It's hardly fair to put the whole thing on me. 
(Looking meaningly at Nettleton.) ^ 

Nettleton (as Florence turns to him)— No, and it isn t 
fair to put it all on me. (Looks at Mrs. Nettleton.) 

Mrs. Nettleton— And what have / to do with it? Noth- 
ing—Nothing! (To Nettleton.) And to prove it, I have 
a great mind to tell her the whole thing. (Rising and 
turning.) Florence 

Nettleton (coming down to her quickly)— Nellie ! hor 
the Lord's sake — don't ! 

Vanderholt— Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Covers hand with 
mouth as Florence turns to him.) 

Florence— That will do Mr. Vanderholt. It's no laugh- 
ing matter. (Turning.) That applies to all of you. (Runs 
up"' several steps and turns.) I may not have a vote, but 
before I get through with this, somebody is going to wish 
I was wearing breeches. (Exits.) 

Nettleton— Wheough ! Nozv what are you going to do ? 
(Turning.) It's up to you, Van! Get at it. 

Vanderholt (in astonishment)— Me? Why me? 

Nettleton— Why not? (Taking out contract.) You ap- 
pointed yourself as referee— with power to settle all ques- 
tions of dispute— T/zu is a question of dispute. (As Van 
steps back.) What are you going to do about it? Well? 

Vanderholt— Oh ! (Thoughtfully.) Now, naturally, this 
case is going to call for some pretty nice diplomatic zvork. 
Of course, you understand there'll be a nominal legal fee ; 
but- 



Nettleton— To hell with the fee— go on— go oi 

6i 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt — Thank you. Therefore, I suggest — that you 
first take your wife off — anywhere — and leave me — here — 
to tackle Florence when she comes downstairs. 

Nettleton — IVill you? (Grasping his hand.) You good 
old Van ! 

Mrs. Nettleton (beginning to weep) — No one ever seems 
to consider me! No one! 

Nettleton (turning to her) — But, my darling child; that's 
just what we are considering. (Gently as he takes her.) 
Now, come on, sweetheart; go upstairs — and lie down 

Mrs. Nettleton (sitting up sharply) — What! Where she 
is ! No, no ! 

Nettleton (trying to pacify her) — All right, dear; all 
right. We'll go into the library. (Helping her up.) Come 
on, darling; come on! 

Mrs. Nettleton (weeping as she is led across to R) — I 
don't zvant to go into the library! I want to go into the 
kitchen, because I know the dinner is burnt to a horrible, 
black crisp. O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o ! (Exit with Nettleton into 
library.) 

(Florence comes downstairs, in hat and coat, carrying 
her satchel. Van meets her at foot of stairs.) 

Vanderholt — Florence ! One minute, please ! 

Florence (hesitating, putting down her satchel and ad- 
vancing) — Well? What is it? 

Vanderholt — First, upon my sacred word of honor — I 
never knew you were here, or coming here, until I saw you. 
Do you believe me ? 

Florence — If you say so — yes. 

\^anderholt (beaming again) — Thank you. Now as to 
both George and Nellie 

Florence — Wait! What is your interest in this afifair? 

Vanderholt — Purely friendly — diplomatic ; but principally 
— you! (Stepping toward her.) Of course, you know, my 
dear Florence 

Florence (checking him) — Have I given you the right 
to call me your dear Florence? 

Vanderholt — Well — no ; but — but I'm asking for the 
right. I'm 

Florence — And why at such a time? 

\'anderholt — I — I didn't intmd to — only — er — well, you 
rather forced my hand. (As she looks at him sharply.) 
Oh ! I didn't mean it that way ; but — but you see. Miss Flor- 
ence, I have a purely legal mind. And 

62 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Florence — Very well. We'll put it on a purely legal basis. 
(Takes seat on settee L) — Now, then! You are asking for 

a certain right. In other words, you want to marry me 

(As he steps back in astonishment, she folds her arms.) 
A hearing for the plea is granted. Go on. 

Vanderholt (nervously) — Ha, ha. Thank you. I will. 
Only you — well, you do have a way of taking the wind out 
of a fellow's sails. 

Florence — Then paddle ! You delay proceedings ! 

Vanderholt — Ha, ha! All right. I suppose I've got to. 
As I — er — intimated before, I — I had no intention of mak- 
ing love to you — that is — today, but since you — you bring 
the subject up yourself, I — I would like some sort of 
answer. 

Florence — Very well; I'll give it. (As he steps toward 
her.) But first I want to ask a legal question. 

Vanderholt — Yes? (Sitting R of Florence.) 

Florence — Do you think it just or unreasonable — for two 
young people — such as you and I — to start out on their 
married life with — with a secret holding them apart? 

Vanderholt (thoughtfully) — Well — no — They shouldn't! 

Florence — Good ! Then why is T a butler ? 

Vanderholt (rising.) — Eh? Oh, come now, Miss Flor- 
ence, that isn't exactly fair. It isn't professional for the 
lawyer in a case to — well — to 

Florence — Ah ! So you were in it ? Good again ! But 
since you, too, refuse to tell me (Rising.) My an- 
swer is 

Vanderholt — Hold on! Don't! (Smiling.) Of course, 
if you put it that way — I have no choice but to throw my- 
self on the mercy of the court. (Looking behnd him to 
see that he is not overheard.) Briefly: it was this. George 
and T just couldn't get on in business, and fought like cats 
and dogs. Each claimed the other was only fit for a servant 
and — and there you are ! 

Florence — Yes ? What else ? 

Vanderholt — As a friend of both, I tried to save them 
the scandal of a lawsuit, and — and so they signed an 
agreement — for one year — and played a hand of show- 
down — to see who'd he the servant ! 

Florence — And why didn't George tell me that? 

Vanderholt — Because, by telling anyone — he'd lose five 
thousand dollars. 

Florence — Oh, I see! (Beginning to laugh.) But it 

63 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

7cas funny! (Laughing more heartily.) And 
gested the idea? How clever of you, Van! (Laughs.) 

Vanderholt (swelling up a little) — Oh, I don't know. At 
least it ivas a solution of the problem. 

Florence (still laughing) — A perfectly delightful one. 
(Laughs.) Of course, you drew up the agreement? 

\^anderholt (beginning to laugh with her) — I did, indeed; 
And I tell you, Florence, I sewed it up with twine ! 

Florence — No doubt, you did! (Laughing.) Then, too, 
you dealt the cards ! 

Vanderholt (chuckling and rubbing his hands) — Um- 
hum ! George won on a pair of sixes. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! 
(As Florence laughs with him he suddenly grows sober.) 
But now that you do know, Florence 

Florence — I'll give my answer. (Sitting in large chair at 
R.) I wouldn't marry you — if you were the last lone man 
on earth — and I was fifty-five years old ! 

Vanderholt (stepping back) — Florence! 

Florence — That's all. (As he starts to speak, she rises.) 
No, not one word! (Pointing finger at him.) The criminal 
premeditation — was yours ! And now, my legal-minded 
friend, your case is dismissed — with costs. 

Vanderholt — Not quite, your honor. (Goes up stage 
and turns.) No lawyer or lover should admit defeat un- 
til after the appeal. 

Florence — No? Why not? 

Vanderholt — For further information, please apply to Mr. 
T. Boggs Johns, the man who can't beat sixes! (Exit.) 

Florence — Alright. But there'll be a brand new deal. 

Florence (as Johns enters L) — Come in T. I want to 
speak to you. 

Johns — And / want to speak to you! (Advancing im- 
pulsively.) Florence — Vm going to tell you everythng — 
if it means my last cent on earth — my one last crumb of 
bread — I'm here because 

Florence — No, no, no, no, no! Don't — it's too expensive! 
(As he looks at her.) Besides — I've found out! 

Johns (hopefully) — Did George tell you? 

Florence — No. You haven't won five thousand — yet. 

Johns (disappointedly) — Oh! I thought maybe, luck 
had turned! (Sits dejectedly L of table.) 

Florence — It won't — until you turn it. Why do you sub- 
mit to this? 

Johns — Submit? I guess you haven't read that contract. 

64 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Florence — Hang the contract ! The stronger it is the bet- 
ter I like it ! It runs for a year, doesn't it ? 

Johns — Yes, for one whole year. (Bows his head in his 
hands.) 

Florence — Oh, T, brace up and be a man. (Sitting be- 
side him on the edge of his chair.) To my mind the word 
MAN is better than the word MASTER. Why don't you 
turn the tables on him? 

Johns — Turn 'em — on George ! How ? 
Florence (rising) — What's his weakest point? (As Johns 
looks at her miserably.) 
Johns — I don't know. 

Florence — What's any poor married idiot's weakest 
point? 

Johns (looking up) — His wife? 

Florence — Of course. That's where you've got to hit him 
— hard ! As long as you are miserable, he's happy. Make 
him unhappy! Serve him, and serve him well! With en- 
ergy and diligence ! But always with a smile. And George 

will wonder why! Keep close to Nellie (As Johns 

looks up.) Not too close, mind you; for I will be looking 
on. But hit him, T, and hit him where he lives ! He wants 
you to break the contract — Make him break it! (Smiling.) 
Do you get me? 

Johns (who has been registering with dawning under- 
standing) — Yes, I do! 

Florence — Then go after him and — get him. But don't 
forget to smile ! 
Johns— FLORENCE ! YOU QUEEN !' 
(Takes her in his arms, both laughing. As they hold 
the embrace, enter Coddle from L. She starts, then 
emits a wail of anguish and crosses to R, keeping her 
eyes on Johns and Florence who laugh louder. Flor- 
ence breaks position and crosses to door, picking up 
her satchel and standing at exit. Johns throws him- 
self into chair, roaring with laughter. Nettleton enters 
from library, bumps into Coddle, sees Johns and reg- 
isters his anger. Mrs. Nettleton follows Nettleton and 
Vanderholt comes down stairs.) 
Nettleton — Coddle! What's the matter? (She wails 
and points at Johns, Nettleton looks at Johns and advances 
savagely, while Johns drink cocktail and laughs.) Boggs! 
What have you done to Coddle? 

65 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns — Coddle? (Leans back in chair laughing up- 
roariously.) 

Nettleton (getting out his book) — Stop that! Do you 
hear me ! What the devil does it mean ? 

Johns (taking up another cocktail) — Say, George; just 
charge me up with another hundred, will you? I can't tell 
you why, but it's worth it! (Drinks cocktail and laughs 
louder.) 

Nettleton — He's drunk! (Turning.) Van, I want you to 
make a legal note of that — he's drunk ! 

(Johns puts feet up on table and laughs.) 

Curtain. 




66 



A PAIR OF SIXES 



ACT III 



Scene: Same as Act II. Same time — late afternoon. 
Room lighted as before. One zveek later. 

Discovered : Coddle, coming down stairs. As she reach- 
es landing, she pauses, listening. Johns is heard off stage 
singing happily, the door at L being partially open. Johns 
enters from L, singing to himself, carrying tray on which 
are decanter, vichy bottle, glasses and ice. The tray is 
balanced jauntily on his upturned hand. He sets it on table, 
picks up duster and begins to dust articles, the decanter, 
hack of Nettleton's chair, the picture containing cards on 
table — and otherwise shozvs his happiness. Coddle zvatches 
him in silent, open-mouthed zvonder. Johns takes up slip- 
pers and places them daintily before fireplace, clasping his 
hands and looking dozvn at them. 

Johns — For his little Footsy-tutsies ! 

Coddle — Mr. Boggs, sir ! 

Johns (turning) — Oh! Hello, Coddle! Are you there? 

Coddle (coming down to him with an air of deep con- 
cern) — Ho, Mr. Boggs, sir, wot makes you so h'awful 
'appy? 

Johns (twirling duster) — I? Happy? Am I? 

Coddle — Ho, yes, sir, h'it's just abeen agrowin' h'on you 
for the larst 'ole week. (Clasping her hands and advancing.) 
H'it h'aint on my account, now h'is it? 

Johns (solemnly) — Coddle — to be honest we must oft' be 
cruel. It is not on your account. 

Coddle (disappointedly) — No? Wot then? 

Johns — Sh-h-h-h! (Glancing behind him and speaking 
mysteriously.) It's because — I have arrived! 

Coddle — H'arrived, sir? Were? 

Johns — Here! (Swelling out his chest.) I have never 
realized till now the joy of being out in service. To watch! 
Anticipate an every wish! (Bowing.) To serve! (As 
Coddle stares at him, stepping back slowly.) Love? For- 
tune? Marriage? Bah! I only ask a serviceable feather 
duster — and a good, kind, loving master. 

Coddle (in amazement) — The marster, sir? H'our mar- 
ster? (Glancing behind her.) Ho, Lud ! I thought as 
'ow you was a-callin' 'im a ragin' H'Af rican 'iena ! 

67 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns (lifting his hands in horror) — Oh, Coddle! You 
are dreaming! He's' a dove! There's nothing that man 
wouldn't do for me — if he had the chance. Why, only 
yesterday, when he threw the inkwell, he did it so gently 
that it hardly broke the skin. (As Coddle stands blinking 
at him.) And if I could only acquire your delicious H'ing- 
lish h'accent, I believe it would please the marster — varstly. 
(Smiles at Coddle, picks up cushion and pets it lovingly.) 

Coddle (aside) — Ah, the poor nut. 'E's gone wrong in 
the 'ead ! (To Johns, appealingly.) H'excuse me, sir, but 
— that 'ere doctor — wot comes to see me for the cramps — 
'e's h'awful good, sir — h'an h'inexpensive, too. H'an h'if 
you would only let 'im see you, sir, per'aps 'e might save 
you from a spell. 

Johns — Ha, ha! Now, Codlums — don't! (Tickles her 
under chin with duster.) 

Coddle (coyly) — Ho, stop h'it, sir! Now stop! (Gig- 
gling.) W'y lawys. Mr. Boggs, w'en you gets to cuttin' h'up 
that way — -it (Giggles and shakes her apron at him.) 

Johns (in m.ock sternness) — Woman — have a care! Re- 
member — there are dinner guests this evening. Reserve 
your motions for the privilege of passing in the plates. 

Coddle (backing away L, speaking seriously) — Yes, sir. 
'E's a-comin' this evenin', sir. 

Johns— Who? 

Coddle — The doctor, sir. H'l'll take the liberty of speak- 
in' to 'im. Yes, sir. 

(As Johns lauglis idiotically and runs at her with duster, 
she half giggles and half screams, running out at L. 
Johns begins to sing to himself, returning to his work. 

(Florence appears at window, outside of room, peeps in 
and taps on glass. Johns runs delightedly to window, 
and they kiss through glass. Johns runs to door and 

lets her in.) 

Florence (speaking in a whisper) — Shh-h-h ! Be care- 
ful, T — where's Nellie? 

Johns (in whisper) — Up stairs — dressing! 

Florence (in whisper) — Oh! Good! I don't want her 
to see me yet. (Coming to him with a broad smile.) She's 
getting repentant. Invited me over to dinner. 

Johns (reaching for her) — Ah! 

Florence (keeping him off) — No, no, no! Keep to busi- 
ness. Well? How's it working? (As Johns begins to 

68 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

chuckle, suppressing laughter with his hand.) Is George 
falling for it? 

Johns (grinning) — Hq loathes m.^\ (Soberly.) But, say ! 
I'm making an awful hit with Coddle ! 

Florence — Yes; but I'm afraid I'm not! Dreamed last 
night she was after me — with one of these — er — scalloped 
edge bread knives. (Laughing as she comes to him.) Here ! 
I've got a little present for you. (Hands small package 
which she has carried in her hand.) 

Johns — No, no — that's how I got this one. (Holding 
duster.) 

Florence (holding him off) — But open it — please! 

(Johns opens package, disclosing an atomizer and looks 
at her inquiringly. She raises it to his nose, and he 
makes a wry face. She stands on tiptoe and whispers 
in his ear. Johns' face registers his understanding 
and delight. She steps back, taking veil from the rim 
of her hat and handing it to him.) 

Johns — Oh, but Florence, that's so old. 

Florence — Wait until you see how wonderfully it works. 

Mrs. Nettleton (calling from up stairs) — T! T! 

Johns (to Florence) — Sh-h-h-h ! Look out! (Calling 
up stairs. Putting veil and atomizer in pockets.) Yes, 
Nellie! I'm here. (Stands at R, while Florence runs to L 
and stands in corner L of stairs.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (coming down stairs, dressed for din- 
ner) — Good evening, T. (As he makes a low, formal bow, 
she registers her annoyance.) Oh, please! I wish you 
wouldn't — bow that way. You seem so — like — a — a servant. 

Johns — Thank you, Nellie ! Some day I may ask you 
for a reference. (Places finger tips together.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (laughing) — And I promise to give you 
any kind you want. (Pulling his hands apart.) Oh, T! 
You are trying to make the best of a — a horrid situation, 
and it's very brave of you. 

Johns — And so much cheaper. George hasn't been able 
to charge me up with a hundred dollars for six whole days. 

Mrs. Nettleton — And I hope he never will again. Have 
you seen anything of my note paper. I want to drop a line 
to mother. 

Johns (drawing out chair L of table at C) — Yes; I put 
it away myself. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Thank you. (Sits. As soon as she is 
seated, Florence begins to tip up stairs, while Johns cross- 

69 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

es to side table, opens drawer and brings box of note paper 
to Mrs. Nettleton at C.) 

Johns (opening box) — Allow me! (Handing pen which 
he takes from vest pocket.) My fountain pen! 

Mrs. Nettleton (starts to write and speaks without look- 
ing up) — George hasn't come home yet, has he? 

Johns (virtuously) — Not yet. He's probably — very 

busy — at the office! 

Mrs. Nettleton (looking up sharply) — Why do you em- 
phasize — at the office f 

Johns (turning away) — Oh, nothing! Nothing! (Covers 
mouth with hand as though hiding a smile.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (looking at him thoughtfully, making a 
gesture of annoyance and returning to her writing) — Er — 
call him up, will you, and see if he's there. 

Johns — With pleasure. (Takes up phone and calls sweet- 
ly.) Three-four-three-tw^o, Rector, please. (Holds phone 
to ear, glancing at Nellie with a smile.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (looking up) — T — have you noticed late- 
ly what a curious change has come over George ? 

Johns — In what way? 

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh, it's hard to say, exactly; but he 
seems so troubled — and discouraged. And then his manner 
— to me. Why, only the other day — you remember — when 
he came home early, and you and I were fixing the roses in 
the vase. After you went out, he looked at me in the odd- 
est sort of way, and said — er — ''Nellie, I should think that 
fellow was quite strong enough to lift a bunch of roses by 
himself." Then he used a profane word and stalked out 
of the room. Now, what do you suppose he meant? 

Johns (virtuously) — I wonder. 

Mrs. Nettleton — The poor boy doesn't seem well : and 
I'm afraid I haven't been very helpful to him. 

Johns — No ? 

Mrs. Nettleton — When he snapped at me, I snapped back. 
But hereafter I'm going to be quite different. I'm going 
to be sw^eet and loveable and considerate 

Johns — Excuse me. (In telephone.) Hello — then never 
mind. Thank you. (Replaces phone on table.) Office 
doesn't answer. 

Mrs. Nettleton (glancing at clock with annoyed look, then 
back to letter) — Oh, well, er — perhaps he's on his way 
home to dinner; and I have a nice little surprise for him. 
You know, he's been wanting to have Florence over, but / — 

70 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

well, I demurred. (Looking up.) Oh, I know it was ugly 
of me, but I did. (Back to letter.) So, today I phoned 
her and asked her to come to dinner. (Looking up.) Well? 
Isn't that the proper spirit? 

Johns — Magnanimous. Especially to me. Personally, I 
shall endeavor to serve her soup without spilling it down 
her back. 

Mrs. Nettleton (rising in consternation) — Oh! T! (Com- 
ing to him.) I wasn't thinking of your being in love with 
her. I was only thinking of the surprise — for dear old 
George. 

Johns — Very kind of you, I'm sure. 

Mrs. Nettleton — But I zvant to be kind — and especially 
to my husband. And from now on, I'm going to prove to 
him that I can be nice to every one ; no matter how per- 
fectly horrid they are to me. 

Johns — Referring, I presume, to Florence? 

(As he glances to rear, Florence appears around edge 
of steps, pointing to R, and indicaating with her lips — 
"George — he's coming !" 

(Nettleton is seen peering through window at R, Johns 
indicates that he understands, crosses and bends over 
the back of Mrs. Nettleton's chair.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (answering Johns, speaks a little con- 
fusedly) — Well, I — I hardly mean it — er — just exactly that 
way; of course, but 

Johns — Nellie, you're an awfully generous woman. You 
are an intelligent woman ; and what's more, you're a good 
woman. (Nettleton enters, starting and registering, as 
Johns bends closer to Mrs. Nettleton.) And if I ever have 
the chance to prove to you 

Nettleton (sharply) — Nellie! 

(Johns jumps, moves quickly away and stands at at- 
tention.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh! (She springs up, turning and fac- 
ing Nettleton.) George! How you startled me! 

Nettleton (coming down C, glancing from one to the 
other, speaking in sarcasm) — Did I? 

Mrs. Nettleton (petulantly) — Yes, you did. You know 
I'm nervous. You 

Nettleton (harshly) — Never mind your nerves! Sit 
down ! 

Mrs. Nettleton (angrily) — Oh, well, if you employ that 
tone — I zvon't! (Turning and going up stairs. Florence 

71 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

retreats quickly.) If you are going to be brutal the minute 
you come into the house, I wish you wouldn't come at all. 
(Exits up stairs.) 

(Nettleton turns angrily to Johns.) 

Johns (with the deferential air of a servant) — Pardon 
me, sir. Shall I take your hat and coat? 

Nettleton (savagely) — No! (Pulling off coat and throw- 
ing it into chair.) Think I'm not capable of taking off my 
own coat? (Throws hat on table and crosses to decanter.) 

Johns (stepping forward) — Oh! Allow me, sir! 

Nettleton — Keep your hands off ! 

Johns (backing away) — Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 
(Nettleton pours whiskey and drinks with shaking hand, 
puts glass down with a bang, crosses and drops into chair 
L. Johns watches him with a smile.) H'm ! Will you 
have your — slippers, sir? 

Nettleton (glaring at him) — Yes! and be quick about it! 
That's all you're fit for. 

Johns (sweetly) — Yes, sir. Very good, sir! (While 
Johns gets slippers, Nettleton unbuttons his own shoes. 
Johns kneels, pulls one off then the other ; takes hold of toe 
of stocking daintily and pulls it. Nettleton jerks foot away.) 
Oh, pardon me. Did I tickle you? 

Nettleton — Look here ! What the devil's the matter with 
you? (Puts on his own slippers.) 

Johns — With me, sir? I don't know, I'm sure. But I 
hope it's nothing to annoy you. To what, may I ask, do 
you allude? 

Nettleton (jumping up) — To everything. First — you — 

you seem so damn well satisfied (As Johns shrugs and 

turns away.) And ever since I caught you drunk the other 
day, you've been wearing a smirk that — that I couldn't pull 
off with a monkey-wrench. (Pause.) W'ell? Why don't 
you answer me — why is it? 

Johns (suavely) — Perhaps, sir, it's because I'm beginning 
to realize — my opportunities. 

Nettleton (registering and stepping forward) — JVhat 
opportunities ? 

Johns — Of serving — Mr. Nettleton. 

(They look each other in the eye till Nettleton breaks 
position.) 

Nettleton — You get out of here ! 

Johns — Yes, sir, very good, sir. (Places shoes in the 
palms of his hands and starts out L.) 

72 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton — Hey, there! (As Johns pauses and turns.) 
Tell Mrs. Nettleton tha*t I want to see her — in here — at once. 

Johns (eagerly) — Yes, sir. With pleasure, sir! (Starts 
up stairs.) 

Nettleton (intercepting him) — No, you don't! I'll just 
do that myself ! (Coming to him angrily.) And look here! 
If I ever catch you hanging around her again — I'll — break 
— your — neck? Get me? 

Johns — Yes, sir. I get you. (Going L and turning.) In 
future — I shall try to be — more careful. (Exit L.) 

Nettleton (glares after him, starts up stairs, hesitates, 
then comes down to phone. Savagely) — Hello! (Rattling 
the hook.) Hello, hello — hello! Lenox 6170 — and hurry, 
will you? Hurry! (Sets down receiver, crosses and brings 
decanter and syphon, making highball and trying to listen 
at phone.) Well? Can't you get that number ? Oh, hello — 
•is that Mr. Vanderholt's home? Oh! This is George! 
Say, Van ! I want you to come over, will you — right away ! 
(Pause.) Of course, it's important. What? (Glancing at 
Johns who enters from L.) No, I can't tell you over the 
phone. There's something in the way. (Savagely.) As it 
always is! All right, I'll look for you. Goodbye! (Re- 
places phone on table and drops into chair.) 

Johns (advancing and pouring whiskey) — H'm ! Er — 
pardon me, sir. But won't you take a little — stimulant? 

Nettleton — Mind your own business. 

Johns — Yes, sir! I only took the liberty — because you 
look so tired and overworked. (Hands glass.) 

Nettleton (snatching at glass) — Yes. I am overworked. 
I'm working like a dog. And you — up here — loafing around 
all day and — I don't know what ! 

Johns (sweetly) — No, sir. How should you, sir? (Net- 
tleton registers, then turns away, burying his face in his 
hands.) I'm very sorry to see you so. (Taking atomizer 
from pocket and spraying his shoulder.) Especially as 
your splendid work in the Eureka Digestive Pill Co. is par- 
tially on my account. (Replacing atomizer in pocket.) And 
so I hope I don't offend you, sir, in offering a suggestion. 
No? Thank you. Then since you are so overworked, why 
not run off for a little trip somewhere — and rest — for a 
week or two? 

Nettleton (springing to his feet) — What's that? 

Johns — Oh, of course, I mean, sir — that you would take 
her with you. 

73 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton (struggling with his fury) — Oh, you do! Then 
let me tell you one thing, Mr. Johns, and I want you to re- 
member it. My personal and domestic affairs are 72ot men- 
tioned in the contract ! 

Johns — There is nothing in it to the contrary! (Johns 
takes contract from pocket and starts to unfold it. ) 

Nettleton (pushing his hand aside) — There is in this 
house ! and there's going to be — from now on ! Get me ? 

Johns — Yes, sir. I've got you. And whenever you can 
think of any other little matter that would please you, I 
trust you will — er — bring it to my attention. (Replaces 
contract in pocket.) 

Nettleton (glaring into his eyes) — There are several lit- 
tle matters I am going to bring to your attention. (Cross- 
ing to library R.) And if you don't look sharp, the first 
one will be an undertaker. 

Johns (with finger tips together) — Yes, sir. Very good, sir. 

(Nettleton exits R, slamming door.) 

(Johns grins after him, then takes Florence's veil from 
his pocket, sprays it with atomizer and stuffs it into 
Nettleton's overcoat pocket, on chair. He then takes 
out note paper from Mrs. Nettleton's box. on table, 
takes out a blank sheet, folds it, then crosses to fire- 
place, sits and makes believe to read, glancing from 
time to time at library. As Nettleton re-enters. Johns 
kisses note. Johns glances around, sees Nettleton, and 
jumps up, holding note behind him.) 

Nettleton — Well? What's that? (As Johns seems to 
shrink back, making no answer.) Don't you hear me speak- 
ing to you? What is it? 

Johns — It is one of the person — or domestic affairs — 
?tot mentioned — in the contract! (Tears up note and throws 
it into fire.) 

Nettleton (furiously, as he strides toward table) — Well, 
by 

Johns (sharply) — Hold on, there! (As Nettleton reach- 
es edge of table and pauses. Johns speaks again with the 
air of the servant.) Remember, sir — that any excessive 
violence, on the part of the master, might legally be con- 
strued as a violation of the contract. Do you get me? 

Nettleton — Yes, I get you — and I'm going to get you — 
by the neck I (As he starts forward, Mrs. Nettleton ap- 
pears on stairs.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — George! (Nettleton breaks position, 

74 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

turning to R. Coming down steps.) Why — why you 
looked as though you were going to fly at each other's 
throats. What is it, George? 

Johns (virtuously) — Believe me, Nellie, it was not his 
fault. Merely a little nervous strain — from overwork — 
at the office. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Oh! (Turning.) George, dear, why 
were you so late at the office ? 

Nettleton (advancing, speaking vehemently) — I'll tell you 
why ! Because I'm doing two men's work ! Becraise the 
entire business is resting on my shoulders. Does anybody 
appreciate that ? No ! / toil and slave and sweat — ten 
hours a day — and that — smirking lump of laziness — is pranc- 
ing around with a dinky little feather duster. (Turning 
away.) My God, Nellie, it makes me sick! Sick! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Well? You told him to do it, didn't 
you? In fact, you gave him the duster — on his birthday. 

Nettleton (turning to her) — That's it — take up for him — 
as you ahvays do ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — And why shouldn't I defend him? Some- 
one should ! Isn't the poor fellow doing everything on earth 
to please you? 

Nettleton (lifting his clenched fists) — Ah-h-h ! To please 
me! (In angry sarcasm.) Yes, he is! He's pleasing me — 
every minute of the day or night! And so are you! And 
now, Mrs. Nettleton, I want to know why and what you 
are writing to that man ! 

Mrs. N.ettleton (in amazement) — I? What man? 

Nettleton (in biting sarcasm) — What man! T! T! T! 
Boggs Johns! (Strikes table with fist.) That's the man I 
mean, and you know it. (Turns away.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — Why, darling, you are nervous ! Why 
in the world should I zvrite to T. when I have him here all 
day long and can tell him what I choose? 

Nettleton (registering, then stepping forward) — All right! 
Have it that way? What are you saying to him all day 
long? And what's he saying to you? (As she stares at 
him in pained wonder.) That's it — look innocent! I'm 
the goat — not you ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — My precious, George ! You're not your- 
self. You need a rest. Now, why don't you run off some- 
where — for a week or two? 

Nettleton — Aha ! You, too ! That's what he wanted ! 
To get me out of the way! (Advancing threateningly.) 

75 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Now then ! I want to know what it means — do you hear 
me? (Grasping her arms.) Now look me in the face and 
tell me — if you can. 

Mrs. Nettleton (sniffing) — George! (SmelHng his coat 
and stepping back.) GEORGE! 

Nettleton (harshly) — Well? What are you getting at? 

Mrs. Nettleton — Your coat sleeve ! Smell it ! 

Nettleton (taken aback) — What? My co (Smelling 

it.) H'm, by Jove! That is funny! I wonder where I got it? 

Mrs. Nettleton (stiffly) — That's what / want to know. 
Where? 

Nettleton (defensively) — How can / tell, it must have 
been here (Sniffing.) I've — I've been noticing some- 
thing for the last five minutes. 

Mrs. Nettleton — I should think you might. You're pos- 
itively reeking with it. (Drawing herself up.) Now, sir! 
Wh e re — h a ve — y ou — been? 

Nettleton — Been? Why — why — just where I said I've 
been — Just 

Mrs. Nettleton — Stop! Don't make it worse by lying! 

Nettleton — Nellie! (Steps back and speaks in painted 
reproach.) That's a nice raw deal to get when a tired 
business man comes home. If you don't think I've been 
working, there's the telephone — why didn't you call me up 
and find out? 

Mrs. Nettleton — I did. Twice. (Sarcastically.) And 
Central always said the office didn't answer. 

Nettleton (faltering) — Oh! Well — er — well that may be, 
too. Our phone has been out of order. (As Mrs. Net- 
tleton laughs derisively.) Then dont believe me! If you 
like, I zvasnt there! If it suits you better, I haven't seen 
the office for a week. 

Mrs. Nettleton — Aha! At last we are getting at the 
truth! Well / know a phone which is not out of order. 
(Crosses to phone and snatches off receiver.) 

Nettleton — And zuJiat are you doing noivf 

Mrs. Nettleton — Calling up my lawyer — Mr. Vanderholt! 
(In phone.) Hello! 

Nettleton — Then save yourself the trouble — he'll be here 
in about five minutes. 

Mrs. Nettleton (replacing phone on table and coming to 
chair L) — Very well! I'll see him! (Beginning to cry.) 
And I want you to know, sir, that this is the end! Of 
everything! (Sinking into seat.) Every-y-y-y thing! 

76 



A PAIR OF SIXES 
Nettleton (starts to come to her)^^Oh, but darling- 



( Phone bell rings — he crosses to it and speaks savagely.) 
Hello! What? No! I didn't call. Ring off! 

Mrs. Nettleton (sobbing and fumbUng in her sleeves for 
handkerchief, also in bosom of dress.) Where's my hand- 
kerchief? I've lost it — I've lost it! 

Nettleton — Here, dear, takes mine! (Fumbling in coat, 
seeing white object in overcoat pocket and crossing.) Here 
we are ! (Pulls veil out, stares at it wildly, then tries to con- 
ceal it in his inside pocket.) 

Mrs. Nettleton (rising quickly) — What is it? (Snatching 
it from him.) Aha! Her veil! 

Nettleton — Her veil? Whose veil? 

Mrs. Nettleton (thrusting it under his nose) — Smell it! 

(As he steps back sniffing his coat in comparison, she 
throws veil down and stamps on it, then flings herself 
into chair at C, laughing and sobbing.) 

Nettleton — Nellie ! Nellie ! For heaven's sake ! Don't ! 
Don't! (She continues. He starts around to her, when 
phone rings. He looks from her to the phone, starts for 
phone, then comes back to her.) Darling! Speak to me, 
Nellie ! Won't you even look at me ? ( She continues to 
laugh and sob. Phone gives long ring. Nettleton, on his 
knees, turns and shakes his fist at it.) That's it! Go on — 
damn you ! Go on ! , 

Mrs. Nettleton (in a bitter wail) — And now you're curs- 
ing me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e ! 

Nettleson — I'm not cursing you ! I'm cursing the phone ! 
I'm 

Mrs. Nettleton — And now you're putting it on the poor 
old telephone. (Sobs and laughs — Door bell rings.) 

Nettleton — Oh, my God ! there's something else ! Why 
don't the house catch fire and finish it! (Mrs. Nettleton 
sobs louder. Johns enters from L and crosses to door, 
grinning.) Nellie! Nellie! You are only making a fool 
of yourself. I don't know a thing about that smell ! I swear 
it! Not a thing. (Pulling down her skirts as she kicks.) 
Oh, don't! Please! Please! 

Johns (opening door at R and ushering in Vanderholt, 
with a bow) — Mr. Vanderholt! 

Mrs. Nettleton (sitting up, speaking in natural voice) — 
Whom did he say it was? 

Nettleton — It's only Van, darling. Just dear old Van ! 

(Mrs. Nettleton lapses into hysteria again.) 

77 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt (registering his alarm) — George! What is 
it! Is she ill? 

Johns — Something, I fancy, has disagreed with her. 

Nettleton (to Johns) — Get out of here! 

Johns — Yes, sir, very good, sir. (Exit happily at L.) 

Van — now, old man, what is it? 

Nettleton (still on his knees, pathetically) — Everything! 
And I'm supposed to dress for dinner with one hand and 
treat a case of hysteria with the other. (Risng.) We've 
got to get her out of here. Help me, will you? Take her 
head — it's the lightest part of her ! 

Mrs. Nettleton (wailing) — I want a divorce-e-e-e-e-e-e — 
absolute — with alimony-e-e-e-e ! 

(Vanderholt takes her head, while Nettleton catches her 
around the knees, while she kicks, and he dodges.) 

Vanderholt (pulling to rear) — Up stairs? 

Nettleton (pulling toward R) — No! We'd bump her on 
the bannisters ! Library — come on ! 

(Coddle enters from L, seeing the row, and wringing 
her hands.) 

Coddle— Ho Lud ! Ho Lud ! Ho Lud ! Ho Lud ! 

Nettleton — You Coddle ! Stop that, and open the library 
door! (She runs across and opens door. Mrs. Nettleton 
is carried in still sobbing and laughing, and the door is closed. 
Coddle moves away from it with her hand to her head. 
Johns has entered from L, sitting on steps and laughing with 
delight. Florence has appeared at head of stairs, looking 
down in enjoyment. Nettleton enters from library. Sounds 
of hysteria coming out until he closes door.) Coddle! 
Telephone the doctor ! 

Coddle — Yes, sir. Wot number? 

Nettleton — Six-five, Columbus! Hurry! (Exit into li- 
brary — sounds of hysteria coming out and stopping as he 
closes door.) 

Coddle — Yes, sir! Yes, sir! (She starts for phone, sees 
Johns on steps, smiles and starts L to go to him. Johns 
registers his alarm and runs out, she following until he shuts 
the door and holds it. Then she goes to phone.) Are you 
there ? I say, are you there ? Six-five, Columbius ! Colum- 
bi-ous! 

Nettleton (enters from library) — Well, well! Did you 
get him ? 

Coddle — No, sir. 'E shut the door in me face, sir! 

Nettleton (roaring at her) — Who? The doctorf 

78 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Coddle — No, sir. Mr. Boggs, sir! 

Nettleton (in helpless fury) — Oh, you idiot! Here! Go 
in there to your mistress — she needs you ! 

Coddle — Yes, sir! Yes, sir! (Exit into library, while 
Nettleton crosses to phone. As he takes it up, Vander- 
holt enters from library, shuts the door to cut off sounds of 
hysteria, and advances.) 

Vanderholt — Now, old man, what's all this silly rubbish 
about divorce ? 

Nettleton (leaving phone and advancing) — Well, I — I 
got some cologne or something on my shoulder. I don't 
know where, of course; but nothing under heaven can per- 
suade the lady that the head of some other lady has not been 
reposing here. (Coming to him.) Whiff that! 

Vanderholt (smelling sleeve and stepping back) — Shades 
of the chorus! (Drops into chair, laughing. uproariously.) 

Nettleton — Well? What's the matter with you? (Snif- 
fing coat.) Woman, hell ! This is a perfume factory! (As 
Van laughs.) That's right, make a game of it! Enjoy 
yourself! Howl! (Turning away, then back.) But see 
here, Van. You understand it, don't you? 

Vanderholt — Oh, yes, I understand — Georgie — Georgie ! 

Nettleton — You believe me, don't you? (As Van laughs 
again, Nettleton speaks angrily.) Then don't! If you 
haven't brains enough to understand it, here's something 
you can understand. I WANT THAT CONTRACT 
CANCELLED ! 

Vanderholt — I thought you thought it great? 

Nettleton — I did until I saw it work, and now it's rotten. 

Vanderholt (sitting up) — Well, what other reasons have 
you for wanting it cancelled? 

Nettleton — A hundred and fifty million reasons ! First, 
it isn't legal ! 

Vanderholt — That's what T says — why isn't it legal? 

Nettleton — Because all the advantage is on his side — 
and the rank injustice falls on me. And that won't stand 
— at law ! 

Vanderholt — Oh, yes, it will. Yours is a personal agree- 
ment between two private individuals; and it stands — at 
law! It can be annulled, but only by mutual consent — or 
by one of the parties breaking it — deliberately. 

Nettleton— All right! I'll break it! Til fire that fel- 
low — now! (Starts to L.) 

79 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt — Good ! And forfeit all your interest in the 
business ? 

Nettleton (stopping short) — Eh? Oh! Then its a 
frame-up! (Advancing angrily.) So that's what you've 
done to me ! Tied me up ! Fixed me — so I can't even kick 
him out ! I've got to keep him — for a year? 

Vanderholt — That's what you wanted, wasn't it? You're 
making a butler of him, and since he left the office you are 
doing twice as well as you were before. 

Nettleton — I'm not! The business is running down. One 
man can't do it all ! 

Vanderholt (whistling) — Oh, I see! So you want him 
hack at the office? 

Nettleton — No, I don't ! I want him out of this bouse ! 
He's a curse ! And one way or the other you've got to get 
me rid of him ! 

Vanderholt — / must ! Ha, ha ! And on what grounds ? 

Nettleton — On legal grounds! (Serious.) Van, he's in 
love with Nellie — and she with him. 

Van — What! In love with Ne (Stopping and speak- 
ing in disgust.) Oh, George! Go out and see a vetenary! 
(Turns away.) 

Nettleton — It's true ! For a week he's been swaggering 
around here as if he owned the place. Drinks my whiskey ! 
Smokes my best cigars! And then he — ahvays — with her! 
If I come in suddenly, he jumps — a guilty start — and looks 
like a poisoned sheep ! Why, Van, I tell you plainly, man 
to man (Stops as Johns enters from up stairs, com- 
ing partly down steps.) 

Johns — Er — 'pardon me, sir; but shall I lay out your — 
er — violet pajamas — or the pink ones? 

Nettleton — Get out of here — or I'll lay you out ! 

John — Yes, sir. Very good, sir. (Exits.) 

Nettleton (turning) — Get that. Van? Get that? Did 
you see him grin-n-n-ning at me? 

Vanderholt — No. He looked to me like a highly re- 
spectable grave digger. 

Nettleton — Well, I'll dig his all right, and plant him — 
in a violet colored shroud ! (Speaking confidentially.) \'^an, 
would you believe it, they are writing notes to each other, 
and right under my very nose ! 

Vanderholt (sitting up) — Correspondence? Now you're 
talking! Produce it ! 

Nettleton — I can't. They burn it. 

80 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt (laughing) — Good work. (Laughs.) 

Nettleton— Eh? 

Vanderholt — I mean — er — how does Mrs. Nettleton seem 
to bear up under the trying circumstances? 

Nettleton — She? Why, Van, she carries it off with an 
air of brazen innocence that would knock you cold. When 
I put it up to her a while ago, what do you think she did? 

Vanderholt— What ? 

Nettleton — Just looked at me — with her big, beautiful 
eyes — then attacked me — about that damned cologne. 

Vanderholt — Ha, ha — By Jove, that zvas clever. Ha, ha ! 

Nettleton — Well, it don't go down with me! (Coming 
to him.) Now then — what are you going to do. about it? 

Vanderholt — I? See here, old sport, you seem to think 
this is my divorce. 

Nettleton — Well? You saddled me with Boggs, didn't 
you? 

Vanderholt — No, I didn't. But still (Stopping and 

brightening.) Ha! I've got it 

Nettleton— What ? 

Vanderholt — We'll call T in here and get him to dissolve 
the contract — with your magnanimous consent. Get the 
idea? 

Nettleton — You mea Good, by Jupiter! It's great! 

(Crossing and touching bell button, then crossing quickly.) 
But don't you tell him that I want it, and don't you tell him 
that business is rotten, either. 

Vanderholt — Oh, no, no ! You leave it to me. I owe him 
an upper-cut, myself. 

Johns (enters from L. He turns to Nettleton) — Er — 
pardon me — you rang? 

Nettleton (sharply) — Yes, I rang! What did you think 
it was, the angels calling you ? 

Johns (sweetly) — No, sir. I used to believe in angels, 
but somehow lately, sir 

Nettleton — Shut up ! 

Vanderholt (coming between them) — That's right. 
(Turning. Nettleton sits at R.) Now, T, listen! George 
and I have been talking matters over and have come to the 
conclusion that this contract is — well, a little rough on you. 

Johns — Yes, sir? 

Vanderholt — And so — partially at my advice — he has gen- 
erously consented to — to let you off. 

Johns — You mean — for a day, sir. 

8i 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt — Oh, no, no! I mean altogether. In other 
words, he's willing — under certain conditions — to allow you 
— to cancel. 

Johns (in respectful astonishment) — What! Cancel my 
contract? (Lifting his hand in deferential protest.) Oh, 
Mr. Vanderholt! 

Vanderholt — Here ! Here ! Cut that butler stuff, it don't 
go with me! 

Johns (in natural tone) — All right, I will! And why 
should I cancel it? Isn't George at the office — working 
his head off — piling up receipts and even improving on the 
color of my pills? He's doubling the business every week 
or two — according to his account — and is crediting half 
the profits up to mine. (Pausing and smiling.) On the 
other hand — I'm here — a regular rest cure snap. Good 
whiskey — fair cigars — and — er (Pauses.) 

Nettleton (rising and stepping forward) — And zvhatf 

Johns (placing finger tips together, closing eyes and 
speaking with unctious joy) — A good, kind, generous, lov- 
ing marster; who is all my simple soul desires. (Bows and 
retreats toward L.) 

(Nettleton starts forward, doubling fists, but Vanderholt 
checks him.) 

Vanderholt — Steady, George! Leave this to me! (Turn- 
ing to George, who is now at door.) Well, T? How 
about it? 

Johns — Cancel my contract? What / want to do is to 
renezv it! (Exits L.) 

Nettleton (turning to Van in outraged indignation) — 
Can you beat thatf Can you beat it? 

Vanderholt (running his chin) — Well, 7to, old chap! I'm 
horribly afraid — we can't! 

(Coddle enters from library. She closes door and leans 
against it limply.) 

Coddle — Ho, Mr. Nettleton ! She's a-takin' h'on some- 
think hawful, sir — a-grittin' of 'er teeth, an' a-stretchin' 
hout her legs like this! (Bares teeth and holds her arms 
and legs rigid.) 

Vanderholt — Good Lord! What is it nowf 

Nettleton (ironically) — Pathetic business for divorce pro- 
ceedings — for benefit of council. (Opening library door 
and waving hand.) Walk in and get a line on it. 

Vanderholt — One minute, George, how about a retainer? 

Nettleton — Retainer? You go in and retain her! (Exit 

82 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Venderhoit laughing. Nettleton turns to Coddle. ) Coddle, 
take my advice, and remain a maiden! (Exit.) 

(Coddles places hand to forehead and falls backward to 
the floor. Rises, assisting herself on edge of table.) 

Coddle — Ho, dearie me ! Ho, dearie me ! H'l a-rather 
do the cookin' than be a-waitin' h'on a luny-tick! (Look 
from R to L.) I wonder now if 'e caught it from 'er, or 
h'if she caught it from 'im. (Johns enters from L, sing- 
ing happily and carrying a hot-water bottle in one hand and 
a buncii of flowers in the other. He starts across to li- 
brary door. When Coddle sees him, her expression changes 
to one of alarm.) Don't go in there, Mr. Boggs, sir. Don't 
you do h'it. 'E'll murder you, 'e will. 'E'll bash you on 
the 'ead, sir. 'E'll 

Florence (coming down stairs) — Coddle! (She ad- 
vances.) You go back ta the kitchen this minute — and let 
poor Mr. Boggs alone. 

Coddle — Now, don't you worrit, Miss. Don't you worrit. 
(Backing toward door L.) I wouldn't marry that lobby 
'eaded ijjit, — no, not if 'e was wilhng. (At door.) I 
ain't a-goin' to spend my 'oney moon in no bloomin', bally, 
bug 'ouse! (Exits.) 

Florence (laughing) — Who were those flowers intended 
for— Nellie ? 

Johns — Partially. I thought it would please the marster 
if he knew I was thinking of her. (Grins and strokes the 
hot-water bottle.) 

Florence — Well, stop thinking of her and think of me. 

Johns (laying bag on table and coming to her eagerly) — 
I am. 

Florence (keeping him off) — No, no, no! I mean 
business. 

Johns (advancing) — So do I. 

Florence (checking him) — Yes, but not that kind. T — 
you've got to make George discharge you. 

Johns — The contract won't let him. If he throws me out 
as an asset, I come back to him as a liability. We nailed 
him with the cologne, but we didn't clinch it. 

Florence (turning away in thought) — Yes — I see 

(Turning quickly.) Let's have a look at the little trouble- 
maker. (Johns takes atomizer from pocket and hands it. 
She sits L, looking at it thoughtfully.) My, my, my! and 
such a little thing! (She reverses the nozzle, turns her 
head and begins to spray herself copiously.) 

83 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Johns (stepping back) — Good Lord, Florence — what are 
you doing? 

Florence — Fm trying to become George's little corre- 
spondent. (Rising and lying atomizer on table.) And if 
this doesn't work, I know something else that will. 

Johns— What ? 

Florence — It depends on you. 

Johns — How ? 

Florence — Are you aware of the fact that not ten min- 
utes after becoming engaged to me, you sat down, delib- 
erately and gambled away my chances of being married? 

Johns (blankly) — Your chances of being married ! 

Florence — Yes. What do you think I grew up for? 

Johns — Oh, but Florence, you are wrong. What I for- 
feited was only myself — and my business. 

Florence — You don't expect me to marry a butler 

Johns — Well, n-no, I — I don't! (Turning to her.) What 
do you want me to do? If you will only help me out 

Florence (quickly) — Ah, that's just the point! Like 
every other man on earth. You go sailing around — on your 
own account — till you land in the fly paper — with all six 
feet — and then begin buzzing for the lady of the house to 
help you out! (As Johns looks at her meekly, rubbing one 
side whisker.) And suppose I do help you out; suppose I 
forgive you, as a fool of a woman is always doing! Sup- 
pose I put you back in your own office where you belong — 
Suppose I do! Thafs the point! Mr. Blood and Brains! 
What do / get out of it ! 

Johns (solemnly) — Florence — you get anything I own on 
earth, or ever hope to own. 

Florence — Be careful, T. 

Johns — I am. Square my account ; first with yourself 
and then with George, and whatever \oii say for me to do 
—I'll do it! 

Florence — And if you fail ? 

Johns — I'll be your butler for the rest of my natural life. 

Florence — And you'll do what I ask you now ? 

Johns — I will. 

Florence — Without regard to consequences? You 
promise? 

Johns — I swear it. 

Florence — On your honor? 

Johns — As a gen As a — butler! 

84 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Florence — All right. (Stands on tiptoe and whispers in 
his ear.) 

Johns (happily) — What! You mean it? 

Florence — Yes. 

Johns — You are sure? 

Florence — Of course ! 

Johns — Florence! (Coming to her.) Then don't you 
try to keep me off this time, because you haven't got the 
strength. (Takes her in his arms, she protesting.) 

Florence — Don't, T! Don't — please! (Glancing behind 
her.) Er — somebody might come in! 

Johns — Let 'em. You can't keep me off this time. 
(Laughing and drawing her to him.) Come on ! Come on ! 

(She suddenly withdraws her hands, then throws her 
arms about his neck, and they rock from side to side 
in happiness.) 

(Nettleton enters from library, stopping and staring at 
them in amazement.) 

Nettleton (sharply) — Boggs! (As they spring apart, he 
looks from one to the other severely, takes out his book 
and turns to Johns.) What's the m.eaning of this? 

Johns (smiling at him) — That for the second time, in 
your presence — I was holding a lucky queen! (Blows a 
kiss to Florence and exits. Nettleton looks after him with 
a scowl and turns to Florence.) 

Florence — You evening, George ! You seem surprised 
to see me? 

Nettleton (stiffly) — Yes, Miss Cole, I am! You have no 
right to interfere in this affair — especially in my house! 
And you have no right to help him out ! 

Florence (sweetly) — No? And what are you going to 
do about it? 

Nettleton — Do! (Striding toward her.) 77/ tell you 
what I'll do. I'll (As he reaches her, he stops sud- 
denly, sniffs and begins backing away.) 

Florence — Why don't you do it, George? (As he looks 
at her suspiciously — sniffs his sleeve) — Why, what is it? 

Nettleton (nervously) — Ha, ha — nothing — only — ha, — ha 
— well, you see — Nellie 

Florence (innocently) — Oh, yes, I know. T told me 
she was in the library. (Crossing.) I'll run right in and 
see her. 

Nettleton (intercepting her) — No, no — please — I wouldn't 

8s 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

— not just now. She's not at all well, Florence. In fact, 
she's ill — and won't be able to appear at dinner. 

Florence (sympathetically) — Ah! too bad! What seems 
to be the trouble ? 

Nettleton — Er — er — er — ha, ha — er — nerves! 

Florence — Nerves! Good gracious! I thought the 
trouble was with her nose. 

Nettleton — Eh? (Coming to her.) And what do you 
know about it? 

Florence — A lot. Now, look here, George, how much 
would you give to get out of this mess ? — entirely ! 

Nettleton — You mean — all of it — Boggs included? 

Florence — Boggs included here! But suppose I put him 
back in his office, where you need him, as badly as he needs 
you. Suppose I do that, Mr. Bone and Fat, what is it worth 
— to mef 

Nettleton (blows out his cheeks, sits L of center table and 
speaks solemnly) — Florence — I'd give a thousand dollars — 
cold. Yes, fifteen hundred! By Jupiter — I'd give tzvo 
thousand ! 

Florence — There, there, there ! Stop bidding against 
yourself! (Taking up atomizer from table.) I'll take the 
first offer of a thousand in the form of a wedding present — 
and here's a little something to keep you from forgetting 
it. (Sprays cologne in his face, laughs and exits into li- 
brary. Nettleton sits for an instant sniffing, then rises 
slowly, doubling his fists.) 

Nettleton — Boggs ! I knew it ! Boggs ! That poisonous 
little scorpion! (A^anderholt enters from R.) That wart 
— that toad — that grinning, chuckling, chattering ape. 
That 

Vanderholt — Say! George — (as Nettleton pauses) — did 
you notice a similarity between the perfume Florence is 
using and the one — on your coat ? 

Nettleton (coming to him angrily) — Yes, I did! (Point- 
ing to L.) And that devil in there is responsible! That 
stum-tailed serpent ! That 

Vanderholt— Who? I? 

Nettleton — He's gone beyond his contract this time, and 
I'm going to sue him — for damages — and I'm going to dam- 
age him before the suit. I'm 

Vanderholt — Here ! Cut that ! I'm the referee in this 
affair! (As Nettleton turns from him in disgust.) You 
leave it to me — /7/ straighten you out ! 

86 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Nettleton (turning to him) — Straighten me out! Me! 
And haven't you found out who the crook is yet? And if 

you can't get him legally (He is interrupted by Mrs. 

Nettleton who enters angrily from library, followed by 
Florence.) 

Mrs. Nettleton — Where is he? Oh, where is he? (Net- 
tleton sees her coming, from over his shoulder, and tries 
to sneak up stairs. She calls sharply.) George! Come 
back here ! I don't mean you ! I mean T. Johns ! (As 
Nettleton turns to her in delighted astonishment.) How 
c/ar^c/ he do such a thing ? To yon — 3.ndme! Whevtishef 
(Crosses to L.) 

Nettleton (beaming) — Ah! Of course! That's differ- 
ent ! How dared he ? 

Mrs. Nettleton (throwing open door and calling) — T. 
Johns ! T. Johns ! Come here ! 

Vanderholt (who has been registering his bewilderment, 
crosses to L, trying to pacify her) — Nellie — please — if 
you'd only 

Mrs. Nettleton (turning to him with haughty anger) — 
And you, Mr. Vanderholt ! I never understood before that 
you were at the bottom of all the trouble ! 

Vanderholt (stepping back) — If 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yes, you! When our two boys were 
getting along so happily and peaceftdly, then you stepped 
in and upset everything! (Florence and Nettleton laugh.) 
And you did it on purpose — just to charge them legal fees! 

Vanderholt — Oh, now, Nellie — don't ! They had been go- 
ing it for two years before / came in. Miss Florence knows 
that. I leave it to her! (Turning to Florence.) Now, am 
/ the one to be m.ade responsible? 

Florence — You are! 

Mrs. Nettleton (as Van steps back) — There! I knew it! 

(Mr. and Mrs. Nettleton and Florence point fingers at 
him, following him across stage, as he backs away, 
protesting. Ad lib lines in a jumble.) 

Vanderholt — I tell you it wasn't my fault! I was only 
trying to teach them a valuable lesson they both needed ! 

Florence — You knew all the time just what sort of a row 
you were stirring up, and deserve everything that's coming 
to you. 

Nettleton — You saddled me with Boggs ! You did it de- 
liberately. You knew in advance just what he'd do to me. 

Mrs. Nettleton — It was perfectly horrid of you. My in- 

87 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

nocent husband, who called you his best fr»end. And poor 
old T! 

Vanderholt (raising his voice above the noise) — Here! 
Here ! Stop it, will you ! All of you ! Stop it ! I never 
knew a poor devil yet who didn't get in trouble when he 
tried to help his friends ! Now, as for all this useless row — 

(He is stopped by Coddle who enters from L with tray 
of cocktails, coming between Van and his attackers. 
Van registers his relief and turns away.) 

Nettleton — Coddle! (As she starts, almost upsetting the 
tray.) What's this? Why isn't Boggs serving those cock- 
tails ? 

Coddle — 'E arsked me to serve 'em for 'im, sir ! 

Nettleton (angrily) — Oh; he did! 

Florence — Don't get excited, George ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — Yes, darling — please ! 

(Coddle places tray on table.) 

Nettleton (waving them aside, speaks sarcastically) — 
What else did the boss of the establishment have to say? 

Coddle^'E said to tell you, sir, that if you didn't loik it, 
you could charge 'im h'up with another 'undred an' go to 'ell ! 
(Exit L.) 

Nettleton (crossing and pressing bell button) — x\ll right, 
we'll see about it ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — George ! What are you doing nowf 

Nettleton — I'm ringing for Boggs! li he don't come in, 
I'm going after him and bring him in! (x\s Johns appears 
on stairs, without his whiskers and with his overcoat on 
and a hat in his hand.) Boggs! (All make exclamations 
of surprise. Nettleton turns to Van.) You see him, Van! 
He's quitting! He's breaking his contract. He's 

Johns (coming down) — Not much I am! I want to tell 
you something about that contract 

Nettleton — Yes, and I want to tell you something about 
that contract 

Johns and Nettleton (together, pointing their fingers) — 
It is stated in the contract 

Florence (coming between them) — Here, here, here — 
stop it ! There isnt any contract ! 

(Nettleton and Johns look at her, while an expression of 
joy begins to overspread their features.) 

Nettleton (happily)— What? 

Johns— What's that ? 

Florence — There never was any contract. 

88 



A PAIR OF SIXES 

Vanderholt — Why not? 

Florence — To begin with, it wasn't legal. 

(They all look at Vanderholt.) 

Vanderholt (to Florence, stepping forward) — And why 
wasn't it legal? 

Florence — Because the contract — fundamentally — was 
based on a game of poker — Now, poker is gambling — and 
gambling is illegal (Slight pause — all register.) 

Nettleton— Eh ? 

Johns— Oh ! 

Mrs. Nettleton — George ! 

Vanderholt (laughing) — Look here, Miss Florence, / 
knew that ; but how in the name of glory did you know ? 

Florence — I asked a lawyer — a real one (As Van turns 
to L, she turns to Nettleton and Johns.) You boys had a 
real business, and you've made a farce of it. But, now, 
if you have the real stuff in you, you can make it a real 
success. 

Johns — How ? 

Nettleton— How? 

Florence — It's like your digestive pill — depending on 
which is the more important — the outside or the inside ! 

Nettleton (smiling) — It's partially the outside! 

Johns (smiHng) — It's partially the inside ! 

Florence — It's the combination ! 

Johns — Say, George, what I said about Van still goes. 

Nettleton— What's that? 

Johns — He's a hell of a lawyer! 

Curtain. 



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